


Still Living

by jojosiewa



Series: MCYT Short Stories [21]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), The Crafting Dead
Genre: Adopted Children, Adoption, Child Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Moving On, Past Character Death, grayvier dadvier, some gore but you know me its not well described hhjgfj, this was not supposed to be this long uhh. oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23871403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojosiewa/pseuds/jojosiewa
Summary: Gray never thought he'd do any of this again, not after what happened. But life works in mysterious ways; he doesn't usually go to Costco.
Relationships: Gray/Xavier
Series: MCYT Short Stories [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1192948
Kudos: 4





	Still Living

**Author's Note:**

> fuck, dude

“Gray, you gotta get a dog, or somethin’.” Gray sighed and rolled over in bed, covering his face with a pillow. Andy Sawyer stepped precariously across Gray’s messy room as if it were a minefield. “Come on now,” he said with that slight southern accent of his. “This is a fuckin’ intervention.” He sat on Gray’s bed and put a hand on his shoulder.

Gray grunted. “I don’t need an intervention, I’m just sleeping in.”

“It’s gettin’ closer to Thanksgivin’ every day, your family’s worried about you, Gray, I’m worried about you. You can’t spend the holidays alone again, it’s messin’ with your head,” Andy pressed, rubbing Gray’s arm. “Get up!”

“I’m not gonna sit here and listen to what my ex husband has to say about my life choices,” Gray mumbled, waving Andy away. “Tell ‘em I’m sick, and will be for the foreseeable future.”

Andy sighed and pulled the pillow out of Gray’s grip. “You’re damn sick alright, get your ass outta bed,” he ordered. “Hup two, soldier, on your feet!”

Gray scoffed and sat up, rubbing his eyes and wondering how he could sneak Andy’s key to the house away for good. He was a nice guy, to quote Gray’s wedding vows; lived in Georgia all his young life and sought to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible. Gray was the same, so for a while they lived all the way up in Maine, married young, got a kid, got divorced... and then they came back to Georgia two years ago, their lives splintered into a million tiny pieces.

“Now, talk to me, why don’t you wanna go to Thanksgivin’?” Andy asked, cleaning up Gray’s room on impulse. Gray stood up and shooed Andy away from the mess.

“I’ll clean, Sawyer! Don’t clean my damn room!” Gray picked up pillows and clothes, tossing them on the bed for later. “And I don’t know, man, I just don’t wanna deal with it. You know how my family is.”

“Carin’ and supportive?” Andy crossed his arms over his chest.

“Pretty much!”

“Good lord, Gray. All I’m sayin’ is it really is concernin’ when you don’t get out of the damn house. You, of all people! Let’s go... I dunno, fishin’ or somethin’, get some fresh air.”

Despite everything, the two were still friends. Friends who could still hang out together without things being awkward, friends with certain shared experiences that they spoke about more than Gray would like, friends who had the keys to each other’s houses in the event of one of them becoming a shut-in (guess which one prompted that rule).

Gray rolled his eyes. “Hunting is a hobby, not a spiritual experience.” He opened his dresser drawer and pulled out a shirt. “I’ll go to the store, I’m due for some healthy food anyway, you happy?”

“Gray you know I’m just checkin’ up on you, especially with December comin’ closer—”

“Andy, not now,” Gray said, and Andy sighed. “I appreciate you caring about me, and all, but I’m doing okay, I just like being alone sometimes.”

“Alright, whatever, I was jus’ stoppin’ by on my way to a friend’s house. Have fun at the store.” Andy patted Gray’s back, smiled, and left. Gray saluted and watched him go, slumping his shoulders.

December, December. Damn, Andy got Gray thinking about it now. He spent the last December at home, ordering in and ignoring all mentions of its holidays. He only left the house on the 18th, when he dressed halfway decent and met Andy at the cemetery to commemorate a life gone too soon. As for the December 18th before that — never let a six year old out of your sight in a forest in Maine.

——

“Costco was closest,” Gray reminded himself, taking a deep breath. “Costco was closest.”

It wasn’t a particularly busy day, but Gray wasn’t in a good mood, and people were looking at him oddly for bringing a tote bag and wandering the vegetable aisles like a lost child. He only needed some veggies and fruits, people! Goddamn!

He had nearly filled his bag when his phone rang. He sighed and pulled it out of his pocket, squinting at the screen. He picked up. “Uni?” he asked, stepping out of someone’s way. “Swear to god, if Andy told you to call—”

“He did not, this time around. I wanted to ask if you wanted to get hammered with me and some other friends tonight, watch whatever game is on?” Uni asked. Gray sighed. “Gray, I just came home from a month long deployment, and if I wanna get shitfaced I will get shitfaced. Now, do you want to get shitfaced with me on this fine November evening perfect for getting shitfaced or do you want to stay home and wallow in the dark and not get shitfaced? It’s bloody simple, innit?”

“I don’t wallow in the dark, Uni,” Gray corrected. “I wallow with the light on just fine. That is a very important distinction. And I’m pretty damn sure Andy told you to ask me this.”

“Do you want to get shitfaced or not.”

“No, Uni, it’s not a good time for me to get shitfaced!” Gray turned, and froze. A child was peering over the avocados, looking at him with wide green eyes. “Oh, god, sorry,” he said to an invisible parent. He glanced around to look for one, but the boy wasn’t standing next to an adult. He was shivering and seemingly alone. Gray hung up on Uni.

“Hey,” he said, and the boy wiped his damp eyes. He was tiny; naturally so, not malnourished. “Where’s your parent, or parents?”

“I lost him,” the boy said, sniffling and shifting from one foot to the other. “My dada.”

Gray sighed and took another look around for any worried faces, seeing none. “Okay,” he breathed, turning back to the kid. “It’s gonna be okay, um... just stay put, alright? Your dad’ll come looking for you, and he’ll find you real quick.”

“How do you know?” the boy asked, and Gray shrugged.

“Parents always find their kids.” It was a lie, sure, but what harm would it do. Gray cleared his throat. “Um, how long have you been here?”

“For ever and ever!”

“Ahh, right.” Gray cracked a smile. “Well then it won’t be long at all. You’re a brave kid, I promise the world isn’t as big and scary as it seems right now.” Another lie. “It’s just like Costco, y’know. You learn the ins and outs eventually.”

The boy giggled, and Gray let out a relieved breath. “See, you’ll be just—”

“Nick!” A man brought his cart to a stop at the end of the aisle, and ran to the boy, scooping him up in his arms. “There you are!”

“Dada!” Nick hugged his father, who seemed so relieved as well. Gray smirked and was about to leave when Nick pointed right at him. “He helped me dada, he said you’d find me.”

“Oh?” the father looked at Gray and smiled, blue eyes tired. “Thanks.”

“No problem— the other one’s trying to climb out,” Gray said, looking at a redheaded child struggling to get out of the father’s cart. The father gasped, put Nick down, and went over to her, helping her safely out. She walked over and waved up at Gray. Gray waved back, and saw that the two kids were twins.

“Thanks, she’s getting restless,” the father said, holding out a hand. “I’m Xavier, these two are Shelby and Nick.”

Gray shook his hand. “Gray,” he said. “Costco’s hard. How old?”

“Hah, six, they’re twins. Say, do you have—” Xavier looked down at Nick, who was tugging incessantly at his sleeve. “Yes dear?”

“Ups, uuups,” Nick begged, and Xavier picked him up again. “Thank you Gray.”

“No problem, um, you guys have a good day, alright?” Gray nodded to them, and Xavier gazed at him.

“You too,” he said, and then Gray waved Nick goodbye, and left.

_Say, do you have kids, Gray? Do you?_

Gray turned a corner and hit himself on the forehead. He called Uni back. “I’ll have one drink. One,” he said.

——

Four drinks in, Gray let himself chuckle. He paced himself well enough, unlike Uni and his quite questionable friends, in order to relax a bit and watch a game that none of them actually gave a shit about. Unfortunately, he was a bit too relaxed, and the game was a bit too boring.

“So, you came here because a lost child at a Costco had a father, is that it,” Uni scoffed, sipping his whiskey. Gray looked down into his beer and swirled it.

“I guess. The father’s eyes were like, a really deep blue and he had this goddamn accent— I don’t even— and he had two twins! Single dad, I think?” Gray tapped his fingers against the bar counter. “They were so small, man, I just want them all to turn out okay, grow up happy and all that.”

“Gray, goddamn, I think you need consistent therapy, because you always get like this around this time,” Uni said, waving his finger about. “Every time you see a happy family come the holidays you get melancholy as hell. Look, I was there, it happened... I’m sorry. God, Andy shouldn’t’ve called me, I knew you were gonna get like this.”

“Fuck you.” Gray slammed his hand on the counter and stood up, barely faltering.

“Accidents happen,” Uni mumbled, and Gray clenched his fist.

“Accidents can be avoided,” he said through grit teeth, tossing some cash on the counter and leaving. It was a ten minute walk back to his place, but time seemed to skip around some, and he was back home before he knew it, leaning over the sink and splashing cold water in his face.

“Say, do you have kids, Gray?” he asked his reflection, who seemed quite distraught by the question. “No. Jesus, what am I doing.” He paused, and scoffed. “Getting drunk like a fucking dumbass and talking to yourself in the mirror, that’s what you’re doing. Fuuuuck me.”

He waved his reflection off, laid down on the left side of his bed, and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna have a nightmare tonight,” he whispered, resting his hands underneath his head. “Come and get me, motherfucker.”

——

Sure, Gray was a responsible hunter.

The landmarks of the patch of forest were unfamiliar. He looked around. “Hey, I think we’ve strayed too far—”

A gunshot, and then a piercing “JESUS!” from Uni, who dropped his gun and sprinted. “KID!”

Gray turned and squinted through the trees. Andy dropped his gun as well, suddenly shaking. “Oh god,” he said, stumbling forward and following Uni through the thickening brush, which included poison ivy, clear as day. Gray took a single step forward, frowning.

“Cal?” he called. “Where’s—”

“GRAY GET OVER HERE!” Andy screamed, and Gray’s breathing began to quicken. “GRAY—”

“Gray,” Xavier said, his voice shaky. Gray stumbled back, and tripped over a fallen branch, and woke up.

“Jesus.” Gray blinked a couple times and looked up at the ceiling fan. “I’m home, I’m home I’m home I’m home.”

He sat up, and a headache greeted him. “Fuck,” he said, covering his face. “Fuuuuck that, I saw the guy for half a minute yesterday, fucking hell, you stupid fucking brain.”

He picked up his phone, skimming through an apology from Uni and several other texts from family, all wondering if he’d be coming to Thanksgiving this year. He groaned at them and tossed his phone aside.

“It’s November second, guys. Come on.” Gray flopped back down and figured this would be a very long two months.

——

A therapist once told Gray to try reading. Gray told the therapist to fuck off and then never went back, but he still found himself at the library every once in a while, “shopping for a friend” (and really, what harm was a good mystery book when you needed it).

Gray was reading the back of a book when he noticed a small figure in the corner of his eye. He turned, and saw a familiar redheaded girl looking up at him. “You helped my brother,” she said, pointing up at him. “Gray.”

“Right,” Gray said, shaking his head. “Ah, Shelby, right?”

“Yea,” Shelby said, swaying from her heels to her toes. “Nick wants to say hi, but he’s a little shy.” She turned to the end of the aisle, where Nick was peering around the corner. He waved, and Gray waved back, smiling.

“Hey, Nick, how are you?” Gray asked, and Nick sidestepped into view. “What are you two doing in this aisle, where’s your dad?” Gray knelt to their level.

“The kids place is right near here, he’s getting some work done,” Shelby said, and Nick shuffled over, holding her hand.

“Hi Gray,” Nick whispered. “What are you doin’ here?”

“I was just getting a book, or two, but I never know what to get,” Gray said, shrugging.

“Dada knows a lot about good books, maybe you could ask him,” Nick suggested, and Gray let out an awkward chuckle, shaking his head.

“I don’t want to interrupt him,” he said, and Nick’s lip quivered. Gray’s eyes widened. “O-Okay, okay I’ll say hi.”

Nick giggled and reached out, holding Gray’s hand. Gray got up and let the kids pull him to a small area with kids toys and tables for parents. “Dada!” Nick let go of Gray’s hand and ran up to Xavier, who was sitting at the end of a table with a laptop in front of him. Shelby followed, and Gray stood back with his hands clasped in front of him.

“Gray’s here,” Shelby said, pointing to Gray. Xavier turned and blinked in shock.

“Gray, right,” Xavier said, standing up. “Fancy seeing you here.” He held out a hand, and Gray shook it.

“Yeah, small world.” Gray nodded, remembering the nightmare. “You been alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Tired,” Xavier admitted, scoffing. “They’re doing construction right next door and I couldn’t find them a sitter for the day, and I feel like the CDC isn’t the best place for two six year olds, so I opted to work here for a little while. They like the books.”

“You work at the CDC?” Gray asked, and Xavier blushed.

“Yeah! I’m a professor, biochemistry, got my PhD right before I adopted these two,” he said, patting the kids’ heads. Gray blinked.

“You adopted.” He nearly said, _We went the surrogate route,_ before he stopped himself. No need to bring up that can of worms to the poor man.

“Yeah, they were four, I’ve had ‘em two years.” Xavier smiled warmly down at them as they lost interest and scurried back to look at more kids books.

Two years. Gray paused for a while. “I can’t imagine,” he then said, following Xavier’s lead and sitting down at the table. “You do so much, I just— I mean I just go to a military base and talk very loud for a few hours, maybe look at some papers, then call it a quits.”

“Army?” Xavier asked, and Gray shook his head.

“Marine Corps.” Gray looked down at his hands, genuinely surprised that he’s been acting relatively normal thus far. “Gunning for Major, I’m thinking.”

Xavier rested his head on his hand and slow-blinked. _Gray, you’re losing him._ “Sorry,” Gray said, scoffing. “You don’t wanna—”

“No, it’s fine, I’m just tired,” Xavier said, glancing at the kids. “I wish you luck.”

“Yeah, I’ve kind of been sidelined, so I’m not doing very much right now,” Gray cleared his throat, “but CDC, huh! You do important stuff over there, I appreciate you— that. Very noble.”

Xavier smiled, and Gray jumped as Nick tapped his arm. “Wanna play with us?” Nick asked with a pleading look that completely derailed a _no thanks, you remind me of my dead son_ train of thought. Gray looked towards Xavier, who shrugged and nodded towards the play area, where Shelby was fishing dinosaurs out of a toy bin.

“Alright, kiddo, I’ll play, just for a little bit, but then I should find a book and go home,” Gray said, getting up and letting Nick pull him towards Shelby by the hand. Xavier giggled and waved.

“We’re playing dinosaur,” Shelby said, handing Gray a t-rex. “No offense but you’re gonna be the bad guy this time okay?”

Gray shrugged it off. “No problem, I can do that.” He sat down on the colorful carpet and tried not to focus on the heartache of it all.

“We gotta defeat the big bad t-rex or he’ll te— terro— terrorize the town!”

“I’m gonna get ya!”

“Aaah!”

Xavier glanced over every once in a while, and Gray would look back, and Gray could’ve sworn there was something in the Professor’s eyes that made Gray feel like he knew more than he let on, almost as if someone had told him about Maine, or if Gray’s complexion gave it away. Gray nearly expected it to be another one of Andy’s elaborate schemes to— to what? He opted to ignore that thought.

Gray was quite invested in the dinosaur story, which was more complex than he expected (his t-rex had character development!). He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten how creative kids could be.

He barely noticed Xavier kneeling down next to him. “I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character. Some books you might like,” he said, holding out a piece of paper between his fingers. Gray took it, and skimmed over the list, raising his eyebrows.

“I’ll check ‘em out,” he said, and Xavier smirked at him, winking.

“Okay you two, we have to go, I promised my sister we’d all visit today,” Xavier told the kids, standing up and moving his hand in a circular motion. “We’ll come back soon.”

“Can Gray come with us?” Nick asked, putting the toys back in the bin. Xavier shook his head.

“Maybe some other time.” That made Gray’s eyes widen a bit. “See you ‘round, Gray.” Xavier shook Gray’s hand goodbye. Nick whined a bit as they left, turning back to Gray and waving. Gray saluted and smiled. Nick giggled as they turned the corner.

Gray looked back at the piece of paper, expecting a whole lot of Jack Ryan, and other military oriented works (though, he didn’t mind those either). Instead, however, he saw six titles he didn’t recognize at all. He flipped it over to the back, and nearly choked on air.

‘Tell me how the reading goes!! — (404)-555-3753’

Gray stood up, blinking a couple times. “Tell me how the fucking reading goes?” he scoffed. “No. He’s just being nice. Just nice! I don’t have to—”

Ten minutes later, Gray slammed six books down on the counter. “I have a card.”

——

“The pirate one is really good, I’m getting through it.” Gray folded a shirt halfway decently and set it in a pile, glancing down at his phone on his pillow.

“Yeah! Knew you’d like it, it’s different,” Xavier said over speakerphone. “What are you up to?”

Gray picked up another shirt. “Sitting on my bed folding my clothes, nothing exciting.” It was very exciting, only because Gray hadn’t folded his clothes properly in ages. “Hey, um, I want you to know that your— uh— the books are gonna help a lot. They have helped, over um, these two weeks.”

“Aww, that’s good!” Xavier paused. “You alright?”

Gray sighed. “Thanksgiving is coming up, and I figured I should suck it up and go.”

“I mean, only if you want, Gray.”

“That is easier said than done.” Gray laid down and stuck his hand under his head. “They pester. Love ‘em to death, I swear, but... you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Xavier chuckled. “Hang in there! Do what you want.”

Gray smiled, and then, with a calm and endearing voice, he said, “You’re so nice.” He inhaled, realized what he said, and clamped his hand over his mouth.

Another pause from Xavier, and then a laugh. “Thank you,” he said, sighing. Gray grabbed a pillow and pressed it to his face, cursing himself violently with nearly silent whispers. He felt young, and he felt flustered, two ways he’d never intended to feel again, or even feel at all. “You’re nice too. Hey Gray.”

“Yeah.” Gray lifted the pillow, raising an eyebrow.

“The kids have a playdate on Saturday from morning to noon, I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee with me,” Xavier said, and Gray sat up.

“Coffee,” he mumbled, blanking for a few seconds. “Coffee?”

“Coffee! Maybe even a muffin or something!” Xavier giggled. “You still with us?”

Gray shook his head and cleared his throat. “Yeah—” he deepened his voice, “yes. What time?”

“Nine, perhaps? I know a good place we could go, it’s usually decently quiet, and the coffee’s good! If you’re not busy,” Xavier explained. Gray hummed.

“No, I’m not busy. Send me the address, I’ll be there. Saturday, nine a.m.. See ya then, I guess,” Gray said, grabbing his phone.

“Yeah! See you, bye Gray. Have a nice day.”

“You too.” Xavier hung up, and Gray stared at his wall, processing. Then, he gasped, sitting up straighter. “Oh shit! Is that a date? Is that— Saturday— Saturday’s two days from now.”

Gray got off his bed and threw his closet door open. He didn’t have many nice clothes; but on a coffee date, did he need to dress very nice? He wasn’t even sure if it was a fucking date, but it sure as hell sounded like one. He wasn’t sure if he was even attracted to Xavier, and what if he wasn’t, and it was a date, and he would have to let Xavier down? He didn’t think he’d ever go on another date. He couldn’t believe he said yes, so close to December... he needed to call someone, Andy, anyone.

“No,” he told himself, shutting the door. “I can go on a fucking date without help, goddamnit.” He turned around, and crossed his arms over his chest. “I gotta go fucking shopping.”

——

Gray stumbled into the coffee place five minutes late. He spotted Xavier easily; he was seated at a booth, looking eagerly out the window. Gray took a deep breath and applied military-level dedication to a coffee date with a man he’d only seen in person twice. He would give it a damn shot.

“Hey,” he said, and Xavier smiled at him as he sat down.

“Hey, you look nice,” Xavier said, eyeing Gray. Gray patted his hands on the table and smiled back, resisting the urge to tell Xavier he bought the clothes the day before.

“Thanks, you too,” Gray said. Xavier did look nice; well, he always did, with his button-ups and neatly combed hair, but it felt like he’d put more effort into it on that day. But who the hell was Gray to assume that, this was his third time seeing the guy. “Thanks for getting me out of the house, too. Been a while since I’ve had coffee with someone.”

Xavier rested his chin on his intertwined hands. “I didn’t think you’d say yes,” he admitted, snickering. “You seem, well, I just figured I’d try, no pressure to take things any further than this. I just thought we could talk.”

Gray blinked, and leaned back. “I... yeah. I can, also, just see where it goes, I guess. I admit, I was a little caught off guard.”

“You don’t usually accept dates from people you met a few weeks ago, huh,” Xavier said, and Gray nodded. “Thanks for giving me a shot.”

Gray couldn’t help but smile. “I should say the same.”

“You’re sweet!” Gray scoffed at that. “And good with the kids, might I add. They talk about you, you know. In a good way, I swear,” Xavier said, raising his eyebrows. “And I guess you’re a little handsome.”

“Just a little?” Gray asked, grinning. Xavier nodded.

“You’re alright.” Xavier stood up. “Hey, I’ll go up and order for you, what do you want?”

Gray shook his head. “I’ll order,” he insisted, but Xavier put a firm hand on his shoulder. Gray sighed, and fished out his wallet. “Coffee, black is fine, nothing special.”

Xavier squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll pay,” he said, patting Gray’s shoulder and walking up to the counter. Gray rubbed his shoulder and watched cars pass by outside.

“Should’ve stopped him,” Gray grumbled to himself, tapping his fingers anxiously against the table.

——

Fuck, Xavier was nice. Really nice, and funny, and smart, and such a damn good father. Gray could barely tear his eyes away throughout the date, and he listened to every word he spoke. There was always something different about talking to someone in person, watching their facial expressions, all that cheesy bullshit. The coffee was good, the date was good, Gray was good.

At least, until Xavier said, “I’ve been talking for too long, I always talk. I wanna know more about you, you’re a bit of a mystery to me.”

Gray shifted under his gaze and broke eye contact. “I don’t really know— what else I should say,” he mumbled, glancing back and taking a deep breath. “I... lived in Maine, for a while. Got divorced, came back here— we’re still friends— um, I don’t know if that’s really reassuring—”

“‘S fine, I don’t mind.” Xavier held out a hand, palm up on the table. “Gray. No pressure, remember?”

Gray sighed and put his hand over Xavier’s. “I thought I wanted to get out of Georgia when I was young, so I did. And Maine was nice, it was fun, I made some friends, even. My ex husband and I divorced four years ago, no fighting, just some mutual thing.” Gray hesitated. How much of the tragic truth should a guy know on a first date? Not too much, right? “Family problems brought me back home two years ago, I’ve kinda been a bit of a loner ever since.”

Xavier put his other hand over Gray’s. Gray smirked and did the same. “Hey, I was having a moment,” Xavier said, and Gray let out a laugh. Xavier rolled his eyes with a smile. “I wanna see you again, after this.”

“I do too.” Gray felt the warmth of Xavier’s hands for a moment, heart beating. He had to make a decision now; follow his stupid heart or his equally stupid head, take a chance at being happy again or stay content with being alone. Gray looked into Xavier’s eyes. “What if we went out to dinner?”

——

“You asked him out to dinner,” Uni said, and Gray hid his head in his hands.

“Yes!” he whimpered, laying down on his couch. “I felt so sure in there, and then we said our goodbyes, and I drove home, and I just— wanted to fucking scream. Why did I do that.”

“Because you like the man, Gray, good lord, he said yes, didn’t he?” Uni threw a couch pillow at Gray, who caught it. “Get a damn hold of yourself, mate! What are you worried about!”

“Getting overwhelmed. He has two kids, what if I’m not ready—”

“How will you know if you don’t fucking try, answer me that,” Uni hissed, leaning over the couch and looking down at Gray. “Two years of being alone, and I think this is you moving on, or some shit. God, you’re lucky I’m drunk enough to give you advice.”

“I think you need to tone down the drinking,” Gray suggested, sitting up and holding the pillow. “And, I mean, I fucking guess. I’m just not good at breakups.”

“Why the fuck are you thinking about breakups, you’re barely even fucking dating the poor sod! Jesus!” Uni threw his arms in the air and marched back to the kitchen. “I’m getting a damn snack. You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Hey!”

Uni rolled his eyes and opened the pantry. “Why don’t you go to Andy, or literally anyone else. Better yet, go to Xavier ‘imself!”

“Andy will blow this way out of proportion,” Gray said, holding up a finger. Uni cackled.

“Oh, like you are now?”

“Shut up. I don’t have any other fucking friends, and my family will also blow shit out of proportion and my brother especially would mock me and I don’t even share that kinda shit with any of them anyway,” Gray explained, waving his hand. “And Xavier? Are you joking?”

Uni held up his hands, one holding a bag of chips. “Okay, fine, so you’re left with me for a therapy substitute, eh. Anything else you wanna spit at me?” he grumbled, and Gray shrugged.

“The kids. They like me apparently.”

“Here we fuckin’ go.”

“It’s weird, the idea of taking care of a kid again, let alone two. I haven’t burst into tears, or anything...” Gray recalled his nightmares, and shook them off. “And I at least know they won’t fill whatever hole I have, nothing ever will. But, I missed being a father, y’know?”

“I do not,” Uni said, his mouth full. “You’re being very calm about it, actually. Talking about it. Are you sure you’re not drunk too?”

“I’m sure,” Gray sighed, standing up. “I swear, Xavier has some hypnotic powers that make me wanna talk about shit. You should get home, I can drive you home.”

“You need help,” Uni said, pointing at Gray.

“No. Come on, out of my house.”

——

Blood seeped into the snow and turned it into an ugly red. It was Andy who took the boy into his arms. Gray knelt and stared, like an idiot, as Uni spoke to forest rangers via walkie talkie.

A man stood above them, trembling, unsure what to do with himself. “Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean to do that— I— oh Christ, oh god, oh Jesus fuck, it was instinct—”

“Stop,” Gray barked, shifting his focus from the child in his papa’s arms with the bullet in his chest to the man who put it there. “Stop the fucking babbling.” He started to stand, but Andy grabbed his arm and pulled him back down, leaving a clear red handprint on the sleeve of his jacket.

“He’s still breathin’,” Andy said, and Gray looked back at him.

_not for long not for long not for long not for long NOT FOR LONG!!!!!!!!!!!_

“Gray, say something, please,” Xavier said, holding Nick in his arms. Gray looked down and opened his mouth, maybe to shout, maybe to cry, maybe to say sorry, but nothing came out. Xavier looked away from him and spoke sweetly to a dying child. Gray managed to grab Nick’s hand and squeeze it, shaking now. He could almost feel the heartbeat stop, like a shift in the air, or—

Gray was jolted awake by a loud ding from his phone. It was dark, but Gray saw his ceiling fan and nodded. “I’m home,” he said, and he sighed in relief when words came out. “I’m home. I’m—”

Another ding. Gray grabbed his phone off the nightstand and turned it on, squinting through the light. It was midnight, and there was a text from Xavier.

‘Dinner today!! Sorry, Nick woke me up and now I’m reading.’

Gray cracked a smile and sent back, ‘Go to sleep nerd’

‘What’s your excuse?’

‘Woke me up’

‘Oops.’

Gray put his phone face down on his chest for a moment and scoffed. “Okay,” he said to himself, looking up at the ceiling fan. “Okay, stop it now. No more fucking nightmares, it’s a good day starting now. It’s a fucking good day. You got that, idiot?”

He raised his phone and told Xavier it was okay, and he was going back to sleep now.

——

Gray woke up that Friday morning a bit more well rested than usual, and he was generally content that day at work, zoning out and sorting through his papers for the first time in forever. People watched him, and wondered what the hell he was on.

At 5:45 that afternoon, Gray parked on the street by Xavier’s house. It was in a very nearly cookie cutter neighborhood, with a green lawn and a mailbox with the twins’ handprints on it in paint and fading chalk drawings on the sidewalk. The house itself was fairly large, painted light blue, and Gray could see the top of a tree behind it. He wondered if it was in their backyard, and if it was big enough for a treehouse, or a tire swing at least.

The door opened, and Xavier came out, waving at Gray and walking over. Gray held up a hand and smiled. “Hey, you,” Xavier said as he opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat. “Sleep okay?”

“Just fine, you?” Gray turned the car on, and Xavier shut the door. “Nick keep you up long?”

“No, not at all, he just had a bad dream and wanted to sleep in my bed, the poor kid,” Xavier said, pouting. Gray began driving to the restaurant, nodding along as Xavier spoke. “I just wanted to read a bit to tire myself out again.”

“Nick gets nightmares?” Gray asked, and Xavier sighed, leaning back in the car seat.

“It’s my fault, I was watching a horror movie a few nights ago, he came down from his room, watched in the hall. He’s been restless ever since,” he admitted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head at himself.

Gray tapped his fingers against the wheel. _Cal couldn’t stomach horror movies either,_ he wanted to say. _He would watch, and say he was okay, but you would feel him shaking, Xavier, as he leaned on you for comfort. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him watch with me._

“He’ll get past it,” he said instead. “He’s brave, I think.”

Xavier chuckled, but didn’t say otherwise.

——

Everything went well. The food came on time, the banter rarely ceased, and Gray didn’t say anything that would screw it all up in the end. Gray forgot what month it was for a good portion of the meal. When it was over (way too soon), no one part of it stuck out in his memory, but at the same time it all did, all at once, like a bright neon light in a dull, dark world.

“Why deal with a stick shift?” Xavier asked on the way back to his house. Gray shrugged.

“I feel in control,” he said, driving slow and looking out the window at all the similar houses on Xavier’s street. “Also, my parents stressed it when I was younger, called it a life skill, something like that.”

“I hated it.” Xavier stretched his arms and watched his house as Gray rolled to a stop right out front. “But the control thing, I get.”

“You’re home,” Gray said, and Xavier was quiet for a moment, squinting as if in thought. Gray’s posture relaxed. “Xavier?”

“Come say hi to the kids,” Xavier said, placing his hand softly over Gray’s. “They don’t even know I went out with you, but this would be a good time, they’re probably a bit tired out, you won’t have to stay for long. If you want, of course.”

Gray looked from Xavier’s eyes to his hand to his house. “Just for a little bit?” he asked, and Xavier nodded.

“I know you miss them.” Xavier grinned. Gray sighed, and nodded.

“I do.” He unbuckled his seatbelt, and Xavier did the same. They both got out of the car, and already, Gray could see two little faces in the window, watching intently. Gray waved at them, and the excitement in their eyes seemed to multiply. Xavier took out his key, and opened the door.

“Dada!” Nick and Shelby crowded Xavier as a smiling teenage girl looked away from the dishes and said hello. Xavier picked Nick up and held Shelby’s hand, and ushered them further inside. Gray wavered awkwardly in the doorway until Xavier put Nick down and held out a hand towards him. Gray grabbed it and let himself get pulled inside.

Shelby jumped up and down. “Gray it’s Gray it’s Gray!”

“Hey guys,” Gray said, chuckling. Nick latched onto his arm and leaned on him as Xavier paid the girl and sent her home. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Shelby said, taking Gray’s hand and messing with his fingers. “We waited all the time for our dad to come back today, all the time!”

“All the time?” Gray knelt to their level. Nick and Shelby both nodded. “Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take him away from you.”

“You were with him at dinner?” Nick asked. Xavier put a hand on his head.

“He was, we went out to get to know each other a bit more,” Xavier explained, and Nick looked up at him, wide eyed and curious. “He’s gonna spend a little time here, but then he has to go home, okay?”

Nick gasped and tugged at Gray’s arm. “I gotta— I gotta show— come see my room!” Nick begged, and Gray stood up, smiling at Xavier as Nick led him upstairs. Shelby followed, patient with her brother, and Xavier lagged behind to get Gray a glass of water.

Nick pulled Gray into his room and made him sit down on a soft carpet by the bed. Nick grabbed a stuffed animal and handed it to Gray; it was a gray wolf. “He reminded me of you,” Nick said, and Gray rubbed the fake fur with his thumb. “Take him home!”

“Take— are you sure?” Gray asked, and Nick nodded. “Thank you, Nick.”

Xavier came into the room with a glass of water. He handed it to Gray and sat next to him. “Aww did Nick give you the wolf? He’s been waiting on that for a while now. Get it, ‘cause you’re a lone wolf,” Xavier said, nudging Gray with his elbow. Gray set the wolf on his shoulder and took a sip of water. Nick beamed.

“I have more, um, look at all them,” Nick pointed to his bed, and Gray twisted around to see. There was a sizable collection of stuffed animals on the bed, and Gray mouthed ‘wow’ at them. Nick, satisfied with the reaction, giggled and patted his bedspread. “This has My Little Pony on it, and I have a poster right up there, dada’s friend got it from Comic-Con. Oh! And, and some of my favorite drawings are on the wall too!”

“You draw? That’s cool, Nick!” Gray said, his eyebrows raised. He took a look at the art, and nodded, impressed. It reminded him of Cal’s art; nothing crazily good, but amazing for a six year old.

Shelby huffed and ran out for a second, coming back with two small handfuls of action figures. “I have these!” She dropped them on the ground, and Nick whined. “Niiick I’ll put them away when I’m done I proomise.” She sat in Xavier’s lap and held up two of the action figures. “These are my favorites! You don’t get any but you can look at them.”

“I’m honored,” Gray said, and Nick whined again, putting his hand on Gray’s arm and sitting on his leg. Gray looked at Xavier with wide eyes, but Xavier just smiled back, raising his eyebrows in a ‘what are you gonna do’ fashion. Gray moved his arm, and Nick leaned on him, clearly tired. Gray was frozen for a moment, old memories giving way to grief. But he fought through it, smiled endearingly, and wrapped an arm around Nick, holding him closer. Xavier gazed at him with a proud look in his eyes, almost as if he’d passed some sort of test.

Gray took a look at Shelby’s action figures and entertained her as Nick got quiet. Gray could tell Nick had drifted off by the rhythm of his breathing. Gray felt at peace for the first time in a long time. He didn’t want to leave, but his glass of water emptied and Shelby got worn out as well, her eyelids drooping.

“Big day, for them,” Gray said, and Xavier nodded, standing up with Shelby in his arms and walking to her room to put her to bed. Gray got up with Nick as well, unsure how to maneuver through the stuffed animals and set the kid down. He worked it out eventually, putting a stuffed cat in Nick’s arms, while Xavier took Shelby’s action figures back.

“You’re good at this,” Xavier said, taking the stuffed wolf off of Gray’s shoulder and handing it to him. Gray shrugged it off. “I don’t know if you’re just a natural, or what.”

“Maybe so,” Gray said, holding up his empty glass of water. “I think it’s time for me to go home.”

“Ah, right.” Xavier took the glass and walked out, waiting for Gray to follow before turning the lights off in Nick’s room. “I had a good time,” he said as they both made their way down the stairs and to the front door. Xavier opened the door for Gray.

Gray didn’t want to go. “I did too,” he said, holding Xavier’s hand. “I uh, want to keep seeing you, obviously, um, could we schedule another date?” He thought of December, and cringed. “Soon?”

“Yeah, hey, I’ll text, alright? Maybe you could come over again, y’know, for more than a few minutes,” Xavier suggested. “For drinks, or something. Now that the kids know we’re going out places they’ll always want to be a part of it, you coming over would make them very happy.”

Gray grinned and said, “I would love that.”

Xavier lifted his arms and draped them over Gray’s shoulders. “I’m glad, Gray,” he whispered. “Can I kiss you goodbye?”

Gray blinked, and nodded. Xavier gave him a quick kiss, and then took a step back. “I’ll see you soon,” he said in a calm voice, reassuring Gray. “You gonna be okay?”

“Y— Yeah,” Gray said, one hand on his shoulder. “I’ll see you.”

“Have a good night,” Xavier ordered, and Gray scoffed, nodding to him. He turned around, and Xavier closed the door. Gray crossed the lawn, got inside his car, and pressed his head to the steering wheel.

“Holy fuck,” he breathed, sitting up and looking at the stuffed wolf. “Holy fuck, I’m really gonna do this, aren’t I. Date a family man?”

Gray made the wolf nod. “You are,” it said, and Gray sighed.

“Looks like, huh.” Gray laughed at himself, a bit worried. “I’m talking to myself via wolf, Jesus Christ, I better get home.”

——

Gray had forgotten how much he missed human contact, but it set back in that night as he laid in bed alone in a house that felt so goddamn empty, all of a sudden. “God,” he said, picking up the wolf from his nightstand. “I am lonely, aren’t I?”

——

Gray came over to Xavier’s house for drinks on the Monday before Thanksgiving. He had a small bouquet in one hand and two tubes of toy animals in the other, and as Xavier opened his front door Gray held up the flowers, hiding the kids’ toys behind his back. “Hey.”

“Oh!” Xavier’s eyes lit up, and he took the flowers. “They’re gorgeous, I’ll put them in some water! Come in!”

Gray did, shutting the door behind him. “How was your day?” he asked, and Xavier shrugged.

“Good! The kids are upstairs, they’ll be—”

“Gray!” There were two sets of small thumps as the twins ran down the stairs and up to Gray, both hugging him tightly. Xavier sighed, and Gray took note.

“Don’t run down the stairs, guys,” Gray said, and the two kids mumbled hesitant sorries. “Hey, I got you something.” He revealed the two tubes of animals, and the kids gasped, grabbing them. “Fairy tale animals for Nick and savanna for Shelby.”

“Thanks Gray!” Nick said, and Gray shrugged it off.

“What else is the boyfriend good for, anyway, huh?” He ruffled Nick and Shelby’s hair.

Xavier chuckled as he put the flowers in a vase and arranged them. “Hey now, you’re good for getting me flowers too. What does this assortment mean, dare I ask?”

Gray blinked. “Um, I just— they just look good,” he said, and Xavier nodded.

“Fair,” Xavier hummed, walking over and holding out his arms. Gray sighed and gave Xavier a tight hug. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just missed you a bit,” Gray mumbled, as Xavier rubbed his back. He broke the hug, but kept an arm on Xavier’s side. “What kinda drinks we talkin’?”

“I bought the beer you like!” Xavier grinned at himself, and Gray smirked.

“You won’t like it,” he warned, and Xavier waved him off. “I’m serious, you won’t!”

——

“You can have mine,” Xavier said, and Gray scoffed, taking Xavier’s beer from him.

“Told you,” Gray hummed, setting the bottle on the table next to the couch. They were both sitting on the couch, talking amongst themselves. The TV was on, and playing some sitcom, but it was background noise for their conversation. Nick and Shelby came and went as time passed, bored with the adults’ conversation and engrossed in their new animal figurines.

“I gave it a shot, alright?” Xavier leaned on Gray and gazed at the television. Gray wrapped an arm around him, and felt Xavier chuckle at a dumb joke. “Hey, Gray, have you said anything to your ex husband?”

A bad laugh track belted out of the TV, and Gray stuttered, “Um, I, no, I haven’t told anyone except for like, one friend. I probably should tell... um, how about you?”

“Forgive me, Gray?”

“What is it,” Gray said warily.

“I told everyone I knew the moment you said yes to my date,” Xavier admitted, and Gray went quiet for a moment, staring ahead. Xavier winced, but then Gray started to laugh.

“I like you a lot,” he said, putting a hand on his forehead. “God, I really do.”

Xavier lifted his head and smiled at Gray. “You don’t have to tell anyone, but I do want to meet your friends eventually,” he assured. Gray shook his head.

“You don’t, trust me.” He sighed as Xavier pouted and moved his head back to Gray’s chest. “Eventually. Hey, you seem tired.”

“The kids are out of school for the week so I had to work from home to take care of them, and there were a lot of meetings,” Xavier mumbled, and Gray rubbed his arm, frowning.

“You should’ve told me, I could’ve come another night,” Gray said.

“No, no worries, dear, I’m perfectly fine.” Xavier patted Gray on the knee and watched the sitcom for a while. Gray took a few sips of Xavier’s beer. “Are you?”

Gray hesitated. “Yeah,” he said, setting the beer down and sighing. “I’m okay, I uh— I get a little sad around the holiday season, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Xavier wrapped his arm around Gray. “Does being here help.”

Gray nodded. “I think it does,” he whispered. Xavier nodded and didn’t push it any further, but Gray could sense the change in the room. “Don’t worry about me, okay? You have enough to worry about.”

“Oh, Gray,” Xavier sighed, sitting up straight and stretching his arms. Gray glanced away, clasping his hands together. “I’ll be here, just know that.”

“I know.” Gray smiled, and Xavier leaned over and kissed him.

“How much have you had to drink?” Xavier asked as Gray wrapped an arm back around him.

“Two beers, nothing much—”

“Hmm, I don’t know if you should drive, really,” Xavier glanced at the clock. “It’s already dark out.”

Gray scoffed. “What are you trying to say Xavier.”

“Okay fine. Stay the night,” Xavier said bluntly, placing a hand on Gray’s chest and scooting closer to him. “Wait, here are some pros. We can watch a movie, maybe with the kids, and then we can go to sleep,” Xavier paused to kiss Gray again, “and you’ll be with us, and you don’t have to drive all the way home.”

Gray leaned back and took a moment to process. Xavier leaned away as well, almost flinching. “I don’t—” Gray cleared his throat, “I don’t see why not.”

Xavier grinned and took Gray’s hand in both of his own. “The kids are gonna be ecstatic! They really like you,” he said. Gray smiled at that, and Xavier sighed. “Shelby’s gonna be a bit hesitant, I’ll admit. New person and all. She won’t let you know how happy she is, but she will be happy. Promise.”

“I think I would act the same way,” Gray admitted, getting up and grabbing the two beer bottles. “Trash?”

“Oh, here.”

——

“Gray’s not going home?” Shelby asked as Xavier tucked her into bed.

“He’s gonna sleep in my bed,” Xavier said, kissing Shelby on the forehead. “Is that okay with you?”

“Can he sleep on the couch at least,” she mumbled. Gray shifted awkwardly in the doorway, and Xavier glanced back at him.

“Oh, honey, I just want to spend some time with him, and he doesn’t want to go all the way home. Boyfriends do this stuff.” Xavier squeezed her hand and smiled. “Okay?”

Shelby grunted and rolled over, facing away from her father. Xavier got up.

“Love you,” he said, and she mumbled the same back. Xavier chuckled and walked to the door, turned the light off, and shut the door softly. “She’ll be out again to get our attention soon.”

“You can tell, huh,” Gray said, scoffing. “I could tell with—” he caught himself, “I uh, could tell too. With her.”

Xavier looked oddly at him before walking to Nick’s room and getting him in bed as well. Gray cursed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

——

_Focus, Gray. No nightmares, alright? Yes, I know December 18th inches closer, preparing to attack your heart and mind like some feral creature, but please, god, don’t make Xavier worry. You’re not prepared to tell him why you woke up panicked._

A hand on his shoulder. “Gray,” Xavier said, and Gray blinked a few times. “You with us?”

“Yeah.” Gray looked back at the TV in Xavier’s room, which was playing Jumanji (a family friendly pick, in case the twins strolled in unannounced). He was sitting up in bed, dreading the movie’s end. Xavier was laying down next to him, watching with tired eyes. Gray glanced at him. “It’s not even eleven yet.”

Xavier grunted at him. “It’s gonna be a long week, and it’s only Monday. Let me be tired,” he said, holding up his hand. Gray held it. “How are your breaks.”

“Thursday and Friday, the same. Work’s been surprisingly kind to me, though.” _Because they all know the reason I got my gun taken away for those first agonizing months. Took me forever to pass the mental health exam to get it back, and even then they didn’t put me on many field missions. They still don’t. That’s what happens when your son gets mistaken for a game animal in Maine._

“You’ve gone again,” Xavier said, pausing the movie and sitting up. “What’s going on, Gray.”

Gray shook his head. “I’m just overthinking,” he said, and Xavier frowned. “Don’t— don’t look at me like that, I just— I’m processing, and thinking too much. It’s all setting in, all this.”

“In a bad way?” Xavier asked, and Gray gasped.

“No— shoot, um, I’m just not used to having someone like you,” Gray said, holding out his arm and letting Xavier lean on him. “I’m working on it.”

“Alright,” Xavier sighed. “Do you need to sleep on it? I’ve seen this movie a thousand times.”

Gray took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said, and Xavier turned the TV off. Gray laid down and watched Xavier stretch his arm to turn the lamp on the bedside table off.

“Nick will come first, Shelby will follow,” Xavier said, smiling and patting the empty space between them. Gray scoffed and nodded.

“I figured they might.” He held Xavier’s hand. “You’ve had a long day. Sleep.”

Xavier hummed and closed his eyes, and it wasn’t long before his grip on Gray’s hand loosened. Gray laid on his back and looked around the dark room for a while, listing items to keep his eyes busy. The television, the dressers, the closet, the window, the small shadowy figure standing in the doorway, the—

Gray turned his head towards the door, sitting up. Nick shuffled inside and whispered, “I wanna snuggle.”

Gray chuckled and helped Nick get onto the bed. He settled in the space between the two adults, leaning more towards Gray. Gray turned on his side and threw an arm around the kid. “You're cozy,” Nick whispered, and he said nothing more, falling asleep fast.

Gray was dozing off a few minutes later, having given up on his quest to stay awake, when he felt someone climb over him. He winced and blinked his eyes open as Shelby laid between Nick and Xavier, enveloping herself in her father’s arms and sparing Gray a tired, protective glare. Gray didn’t mind.

——

“No,” Gray told his son. “Not tonight.” Cal was bloody and dead, standing in the doorway and swaying, a hole in his chest where a functional heart should have been. “Don’t feel threatened, buddy, I’m just having a good night. Please.”

Cal backed out of sight, and Gray stretched out a heavy hand towards him. “I still love you,” he reassured. He knew Cal was still near, listening. “Your old man just needs rest.”

——

It was early in the morning when the buzz of Gray’s phone woke him up. He groaned, reaching out and silencing it before it woke anyone else up. He squinted, and sighed, answering the call. “Andy,” he grumbled quietly, glancing over at Xavier as he stirred slightly.

“Gray, where the hell are you,” Andy said, his voice frantic. Gray blinked a couple times.

“What?”

“Are you hungover? Please don’t tell me you’re hungover— you’re hungover, aren’t you!” Gray moved the phone away from his ear as Andy yelled at him.

“I’m not—” Gray sat up. “Andy, what’s your deal today.”

“What’s my deal?” Andy was seething. “Your neighbor, Lauren by the way, said you never came home last night, where the fuck did you go!”

“I have a neighbor named Lauren?” Gray shut his eyes for a moment. “Wait wait, did you tell her to f— uh, friggin’ spy on me? Andy,” he spat, getting out of bed. Xavier’s eyes opened, and he watched as Gray walked out of the bedroom.

“For the record, she contacted me, alright? I’m concerned, I just wanna know you’re alright—”

“Where I decide to stay overnight isn’t any of your business, I’m really freaking sick of you tracking my location like you’re gonna find me in— in some ditch! I am a grown man,” Gray whisper-shouted.

“Gray—”

“You are not my husband anymore, you don’t need to know where I am at all times.”

There was a pause, and then a sigh from Andy. “Our son died, Gray,” he said. Gray glanced back at the bedroom door, and saw Xavier standing there, seeming concerned. Gray held up a hand, as politely as he could. “And don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t handle that fact very well.”

“Am I supposed to?” Gray asked.

“You worry me. I can’t lose you too, some way or another, that’s all.”

Gray looked at Xavier, and sighed. “Andy, I stayed over at a boyfriend’s house. Um. Single dad— I mean, not single anymore,” he said, and Xavier cracked a smile.

Andy stuttered. “Boyfriend— dad? You mean he has kids? And you stayed over— since when were you seeing someone!”

“The fourteenth,” Gray said. “Andy can I please talk to you later?”

“You better or else I’ll—” Gray hung up on him.

“Who was that?” Xavier asked, and Gray shrugged.

“That ex husband, he was wondering where I was. Thought I was unconscious in a ditch,” Gray said, holding out his arms. Xavier walked into them, hugging Gray tightly. “Oh, god, you probably should meet him so he knows I’m telling the truth.”

“I wouldn’t mind meeting him,” Xavier said, rubbing Gray’s back and breaking the hug. “Did you sleep alright?”

Gray had a fading memory of seeing a figure in the doorway, but whatever dream he had experienced didn’t stick to him like his nightmares usually did. “Yeah, slept great. I was woken up earlier than I wanted, obviously,” he said, shrugging. “Did I wake you up, I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s six in the morning, I usually wake up around this time, kids’ll be up soon too, or Shelby will at least,” Xavier said, and Gray gave him a quick kiss. “Are you feeling any better?”

Gray nodded; a half truth. Xavier took him by the hand and brought him back to bed, where they rejoined the sleeping children. Xavier spoke of blueberry pancakes for breakfast and Gray listened in awe, his thoughts of the dreaded December day fading out for just a moment and bringing him a temporary peace.

——

“You have a boyfriend. With two six year olds,” Andy said.

“I knew he was gonna find out,” Uni mumbled, sipping at his drink.

“And you told Uni before you told me!” Andy slammed his hand on Gray’s counter.

“Uni was drunk and impartial,” Gray said, in his defense. Uni shrugged and nodded. “I just wanted to go out with a guy undisturbed, alright? You’re blowing things out of proportion like I knew you would.”

“I’m happy for you, believe me! I just wanna know how your thoughts are. With the kids,” Andy said, trailing off at the end. Gray looked at him, and nodded.

“It’s weird, yeah, but— aside from nightmares that I’ve always had, especially around this time, I uh... I think I’m doing okay,” Gray said, and Andy squinted at him. “Don’t look at me like that, Jesus, I knew you would fucking do this—”

“You have to be damn careful!” Andy exclaimed. Gray rubbed his temples. “Those kids aren’t replacements.”

“I know, alright, I know they aren’t. I’m figuring things out as I go.”

“Does he know,” Andy said, and Gray didn’t answer. Andy scoffed. “He doesn’t know.”

“Yet— I— I don’t want to think about telling him right now, can you just go? Both of you,” Gray urged. Uni set his glass down and grabbed Andy’s arm.

“Give it a rest,” Uni warned.

“You’ll meet him and the kids on Saturday, I’ll invite you two and them over, after I have lunch with them, is that okay, sir?” Gray asked, and Andy nodded. “Great, go.” Gray hesitated. “I’m going to Thanksgiving, by the way. Don’t say a word.”

Andy flashed a smile as he and Uni walked out. Gray rolled his eyes and shook his head.

——

Gray held the dying boy in his arms. “Can I let you go now?” he asked, and Cal opened his dead, gray eyes and looked at his father.

“No,” the child said, grabbing Gray’s arm. “I love you, dad.”

Gray brushed dark curls away from Cal’s eyes. “I love you too, Cal, but can’t I just—”

An obnoxious alarm jolted Gray out of a deep sleep, leaving him dazed for a moment. He blinked a couple times, and nodded as everything came back to him. He swiped his phone off the bedside table and turned off the dreadful noise, groaning when he saw the date. “Fucking Thanksgiving, fucking useless ass holiday,” he got out of bed, “for a shitty time in history,” he opened his dresser drawer, “always filled with family bullshit that just serves to make everyone miserable—”

His phone buzzed in his back pocket, and he took a second look at it. Xavier was calling. Gray smiled and answered. “Hey hun,” he said, holding his phone between his shoulder and his ear.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Xavier said, and Gray chuckled, throwing an outfit on his bed. “I wanted to call in case you were feeling down.”

“Ah, got it. You caught me at the right time, I just woke up. Kids alright?”

“They’re bouncing off the walls. They’re excited to see their family. How are you?”

“Dreading the day’s conversations,” Gray sighed. “Hope you don’t mind if I avoid mentioning you tonight.”

Xavier laughed. “I can’t believe you agreed to go, but I’m glad you did. Try to have a good time with your family, okay? You can always go home if you really need to.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, trust me,” Gray assured. “Have a great day, Xavier White.”

“You too.”

“I’ll try my best.”

——

Gray stepped quietly into his brother’s house at four in the afternoon, and the group of people standing and talking in the living room turned to him and fell silent. Gray shut the door behind him and sighed.

“Gray,” his brother said, raising a glass to him. “You’re late.”

“Thought I was early,” Gray mumbled, looking around and checking his watch.

“Two hours late,” his brother confirmed, glancing at the already set table. “You never said you were coming, I assumed you wouldn’t.”

“Figured I’d swing by,” Gray said, internally bracing himself for the inevitable pity train. “Make up for last year.”

“I’ll add a chair and a plate, then.” His brother walked over and cracked a smile. “Missed you,” he admitted, his voice quiet.

Gray scoffed back. “What have you done to my brother,” he joked, moving from his heels to his toes, hands in the pockets of his jacket. “I missed you too. Now come on, enough of the sappy shit, how the hell’ve you been?”

——

“—and then my uncle had way too much to drink—”

“Gray, Gray,” Xavier grabbed Gray’s wrist, his face red from laughing. “Enough, enough, I’m trying to drive.”

Gray chuckled and nodded. “Tell you later,” he reassured, and Shelby whined.

“I wanted to hear!” she exclaimed, pressing her feet against the back of Xavier’s car seat. “Daaad I wanted to heeaarrr—”

“No more of Gray’s great Thanksgiving stories,” Gray announced, turning around and looking at Shelby. “Do you have any stories back there, guys? To pass the rest of the time to my house?”

“Wait, I do!” Nick raised his hand. Shelby crossed her arms over her chest and pouted, but listened.

“Good save,” Xavier whispered, and Gray winked at him.

“Well, my grandpa went a little crazy when he found out about you,” Nick began, giggling. Gray raised his eyebrows at Xavier, who sighed.

“I hadn’t told my parents,” he said, offering a pathetic smile. Gray grinned and glanced out the window, searching for his house.

“He said like ‘oh my goodness you have a booooooyfriend’ and he asked all these questions like ‘can I see a picture is he nice is he good to you what’s he like’ and all of that stuff and same with all the other family members and Shelby and I laughed and laughed,” Nick explained, and Shelby smirked at her guest appearance.

Gray looked back to Xavier, who still seemed red and flustered. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly and trying to laugh. “Isn’t that quite the story,” Gray said, nodding. Xavier shrunk down a bit and tried to smile.

“They cornered me on the couch and asked me everything about you and us.” Xavier spared a quick, wide eyed glance at Gray. “Everything.”

“Oh, god.” Gray covered his mouth to stifle his laughter.

“Do not laugh at my Thanksgiving experience, you haven’t even told your family yet,” Xavier hissed, jokingly. He nodded his head towards Gray's house. “Is this it?”

“Yeah, this is my place.” Gray unbuckled as Xavier pulled into the driveway and turned the parking brake on. “Not very exciting.”

“Of course it’s exciting!” Xavier said, smiling at the kids. They all got out of the car, and Gray led the way, unlocking his door.

“Andy and Uni should be on their way soon,” Gray told Xavier as Shelby sprinted inside. Nick held Gray’s hand and tugged on it.

“Can I have ups, please?” Nick asked, and Gray eyed Xavier, who gave him an affirming nod. Gray bent his knees and picked Nick up, holding him as close as he could to his chest. There was a hint of uncertainty in the way he did this that caught Xavier’s attention, an 'I haven’t done this in a long time' kind of uncertainty.

“You’re fine,” Xavier reassured, placing a comforting hand on Gray’s shoulder. Gray looked at him and shrugged it off. Nick clung to Gray, as if sensing something was off with him. “I’ll make sure Shelby isn’t somewhere she isn’t supposed to be.”

“I’ve childproofed,” Gray said, and Xavier sighed at him.

“Oh, she’ll find a place.” Xavier walked down the hallway looking for Shelby, and Gray adjusted Nick’s position in his arms.

“You’re so light, enjoy the days where you’re young and we’re not too old to pick you up,” Gray said, chuckling. Nick was smaller than Cal, and the difference in weight felt surreal. Gray was almost concerned for Nick’s health. “And I bet you’ll get a growth spurt soon enough, too.”

“I dunno, the doctor told my dad once that I might always be pretty small,” Nick explained, messing with the tag on Gray’s shirt. Gray hummed as he saw Xavier and Shelby walking back into the living room. Shelby was pouty, like she’d been caught.

“Snooping through your bedroom,” Xavier confirmed. “Nothing of note was found.”

“I’ll put on some TV—” Gray was interrupted by the sound of two voices and his front door opening. “Oh, god.”

“Hey Gray, we’re—” Andy froze for a moment at the doorway, eyes wide and mouth hung open. Uni let out an empty scoff as they both took in the image of Gray holding Nick. Gray sent them a knowing look back, and Andy shook his head and smiled. “Well aren’t you just the cutest thing!” he exclaimed, walking up to Gray and Nick and shoving the grief back behind his eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Nick,” the child said in a whisper. Andy chuckled and looked towards Xavier.

“You must be the boyfriend, then. Andy Sawyer, pleasure.” Andy held out a hand, and Xavier shook it. “I’m not sure what Gray’s said about me.”

Xavier laughed. “Not much, don’t worry,” he said, putting a hand on Shelby’s back. “I’m Xavier, this is Shelby, Nick’s twin.”

“Why aren’t you and Gray still husbands?” Shelby asked, holding her hand up and out to Andy, who grinned.

“Ha! We were just meant to be friends is all. It’s easy to make a mistake like that when you’re young,” he explained, shaking her hand. Gray looked away, and Andy noticed. “But he isn’t young anymore, he’s an old man!”

“Thirty two!” Gray corrected, punching Andy’s shoulder playfully. Xavier looked between them, a hint of awkwardness to his smile. Gray held out a hand to Xavier, who held it. “Xavier, I bet this looks weird, um, we’ve been divorced for four years, it was amicable—”

“And I’m glad to see Gray finally getting back out there since—” Andy cleared his throat, and Gray shot him a look, “since the divorce, I mean.”

“Jesus, here we go,” Uni whispered. “Hello Xavier, children, I’m Uni, the second half of Gray’s friend group.”

“Hey,” Gray warned, and Uni scoffed. “I have other... people I know. I know other people.”

“I’m Gray’s friend,” Nick reassured, hugging him closer. Gray sighed and smiled.

“I’ll put some TV on for the kids and get you three drinks,” he said, carrying Nick over to the couch and setting him down. Shelby ran over and jumped onto the couch. Xavier took a few steps over to help, but Gray’s muscle memory had turned the TV on and put it on a children’s channel. Xavier stared for a moment. “This— this good?” Gray asked, and the twins nodded. “Alright. Guys, what do you want to drink.”

“Water,” Andy and Xavier said in unison, glancing at each other and trying to smile. Uni groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Good lord, I’ll have water too,” he grumbled. Gray nodded.

——

“How long did it take you to finally get the hell outta school, Professor?” Andy asked, leaning on Gray’s bar and propping his head up with his hands.

Xavier thought for a moment. “Eight years,” he said, nodding to himself. “I really wanted kids, and I wanted to start earning money too, of course, so I worked fast.”

“Your parents must hate you,” Uni said, and Xavier grinned. “Assuming they paid for that.”

“He returns the favor by giving them their flu shots,” Gray joked, raising his glass. “To Xavier’s parents, who didn’t know I existed.”

Xavier’s cheeks reddened, and he nudged Gray lightly with his elbow. “I was gonna wait till Christmas, for your information,” he said, and the room went quiet for a split second. Gray took a deep breath.

“Well— I haven’t told my family yet, that’s a whole other beast I don’t feel like messing with at the moment,” Gray said before the silence became too noticeable. “I went to Thanksgiving, and things weren’t too bad.”

“What did I tell you,” Andy mumbled, taking a sip of his drink and pointing at Xavier. “I gotta admit, you being with Gray has helped change him for the better. I’ve never seen this goshdarn house this tidy. It looks cleaner than when he bought it two years back.”

“When you moved back from Maine, right?” Xavier asked. Andy stuttered, and Gray winced. Xavier recoiled. “Did I—”

“No!” Andy held a hand out. “No. Just didn’t expect Gray to have told you about Maine— I mean, not that it’s some big secret—”

“I’ll drop it,” Xavier said, waving his hands. “I’m gonna check up on the— the kids.”

He set his glass down and walked over to the couch, sitting down and throwing an arm around Nick. “Jesus fuck,” Andy whispered harshly. “If you don’t tell him he’s gonna find out.”

“He doesn’t need to know right now,” Gray said.

“He’s a father, he can tell real well when people are sad, sad beyond belief. He saw it in my eyes, and I’m sure he’s seen it in yours. He’s a mighty fine man, Gray. Don’t lose him to a nasty pileup of lies,” Andy warned, looking into Gray’s eyes. “It’s part of the process, Gray, of movin’ on.”

Gray stared him down until Xavier came back; then, he turned his head away from Andy and smiled at Xavier, acting as if nothing had happened at all.

——

“It’s December,” Cal said, tugging Gray’s arm. The dead child’s hand was cold to the touch, and Gray shivered as Cal held his hand. “It’s another December. I wanna spend it with you.”

“Of course you’ll be spending it with me,” Gray said, eyes fixated on the bloody hole in Cal’s chest. “But I have Xavier now—”

“No sharing,” Cal ordered, squeezing Gray’s hand tighter. “You can’t forget me.”

“I would never,” Gray vowed, taking a step back, fingers still intertwined with his son’s, trapped within the small hand’s grip. “But I can’t stay inside for a whole month again, I don’t think I can handle it this year—”

Gray froze, and looked at Nick, skin pale and hand cold and eyes blank and body bloodied _on December 18th in a forest in Maine while Xavier cradled him and you stood there like a fucking idiot didn’t you?_

“Don’t do that,” Gray demanded, shaking now. “Don’t imagine that, don’t think of that— Cal, you’re being bad, would you just—”

“—stop,” Gray gasped when he woke up, registering the beginning of tears and blinking them away. There were two small hands on his chest, shaking him. Gray saw Nick beside him, sniffling and looking down at him.

“Gray you’re awake,” Nick said, moving his hands to his lap.

“I’m awake,” Gray confirmed. He sat up, and Nick snuggled up close and gave him a hug. They were in Xavier’s bedroom, alone. Gray heard the TV on downstairs. “Nick... Nick.” Gray took a quick look at Nick (no gunshot wounds present) before holding him close. “Oh, god.”

“You were talking,” Nick said, leaning back. Gray wiped the tears from the boy’s eyes. “And you sounded scared. What’s happening?”

“It was just a dream,” Gray reassured (he wasn’t sure if he was reassuring Nick or himself). “Dreams don’t mean a thing, they’re just... there. Sometimes I have bad dreams, about things that happened a long time ago.”

“Who’s Cal?” Nick asked. Gray froze and stared wide eyed at the boy, his breath hitching.

“Cal— I said that?” Gray put a hand on his chest. “Cal, he— Cal is— he’s someone who... isn’t here anymore. Family. I haven’t seen him in a long time.”

“Where is he?” Nick looked up with young, curious eyes, and Gray turned his head away.

“Maine,” Gray said, sighing and laying back down. Nick followed suit, and Gray ran his fingers through the child’s hair, curly and tangled. He teared up again, his voice shaky. “A forest in Maine in a place where I can’t go.”

Nick laid his head on Gray’s chest and said, “I had dreams of my bio-parents sometimes. They said they wanted me to live a better life, but I didn’t want to leave them. In my dreams they always went away forever and left me all alone.”

“Did you feel like you lost them?” Gray asked, and Nick nodded.

“Yeah, but my sister and my dad never left me, that’s what I had to figure out. Once I knew that, I had less bad dreams about all of it,” Nick said, yawning. “Maybe dreams mean something, sometimes at least. Because sometimes I have dreams that are preeetty stupid too.”

Gray chuckled and scratched Nick’s back. “Wish I still had those.”

“Maybe you don’t remember ‘em,” Nick suggested, shrugging it off. “Are you okay?”

“Oh Nick, don’t worry about me, I’m fine,” Gray reassured, and Nick wrapped a tight arm around him. “Just focus on stuff like... Christmas.”

“Will you be at Christmas Gray?” Nick asked, and Gray hummed.

“I’m not sure about that—”

“You’re up.” Xavier was leaning on the doorway, smiling. “We were waiting on you for breakfast, I’m gonna make blueberry pancakes.”

Gray sat up and raised his eyebrows as Xavier crossed the room and sat in bed next to him. “Good morning,” Gray said, and they shared a quick kiss. Nick looked away. “Why let me sleep in?”

“Why not? It’s a fine December Saturday, and you seemed to have something on your mind last night, you didn’t sleep till late,” Xavier explained. Gray sighed and messed with a hangnail.

“December,” was all he said, turning and looking at Nick. “We should get some pancakes, kiddo, huh?”

Nick’s eyes lit up. “Yeah!” he jumped up and out of bed, looking back at Xavier curiously.

“I’m gonna talk to Gray for a minute, bub,” Xavier said, and Nick nodded, leaving the room. Gray tilted his head at Xavier, who took a deep breath. “You’re not— I mean you’re— not okay.”

Gray blinked. “What? I’m— fine, it’s just some stupid holiday blues—”

“Your eyes are red,” Xavier noted, putting a gentle hand on Gray’s cheek. Gray looked down and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, covering his face. “You’ve been off. After I met Andy you’ve been off. I know I said some very wrong things that day, I noticed how you were all acting, I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t imply you were,” Gray whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose now. “There isn’t anything you need to worry about, all I did last holiday season was stay at home alone and before I met you I’d planned to do the exact same again, so all things considered, I’ve improved.”

Xavier clasped his hands together in his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you mad,” he said, and Gray’s shoulders slumped, the guilt building up.

“I’m not, I’m just— tired. Of everything.” Gray nodded. “That’s it.”

Xavier looked at him for a few seconds, squinting slightly, trying to understand. Then he nodded, sighed, and leaned on Gray. Gray let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around Xavier, holding onto him for dear life. “I’m not going anywhere,” Xavier reassured, patting Gray’s arm.

“I’m not either. But do me a favor, Xavier?” Gray kissed Xavier on the cheek. “December 18th, I need to go somewhere. Do something, and, I would prefer if I didn’t have to say a word to anyone.”

“I won’t call, or anything,” Xavier said, and Gray let him go. “Come on, now, that’s another day. Pancakes are today.”

——

When the sun came up on December 18th, Gray was attempting a game of solitaire. He was doing it wrong, but he was so out of it he didn’t notice, and so he continued on. He didn’t want to sleep in fear of a nightmare, so he kept himself awake. He set a card down and let out a shaky breath, checking his phone. Nothing from Xavier. He usually sent a good morning text. Gray hummed and went back through their texts, eyelids heavy.

“Dad.” Cal tugged at Gray’s arm. Gray leaned back and let Cal sit in his lap, shivering at the cold. “What’re you looking at.”

“Nothing.” Gray set the phone down on its face and hugged his son. There was blood all over him now, but god, it was his boy, what else was he supposed to do? “You know I love you right, Cal?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you have to look like this?” Gray asked, gulping. “Be like this?”

Cal rested his head on his father’s chest and looked up at him with that horrid, dead stare. The sunlight got brighter and brighter. Gray’s eyes watered.

“You know why.”

Gunshot.

Gray shot up, squinting at the light coming in from his window and lifting his hand to block it. He wiped tears away and looked down at his solitaire game, which was now just a jumble of playing cards. “Jesus, I fell asleep,” he grumbled, rubbing his eyes. “Fuck.”

He grabbed his phone and turned it on, once again seeing no message from Xavier. He sighed and nodded, setting it back down. “He listened to me,” he said, tapping his finger on the desk. “He listens to me.”

Gray stood and gathered the cards into a messy pile. The recovering sleep schedule he’d just ruined was working against him, and he was a lot more tired than he thought he would be. He went to his bathroom, turned the sink on, and splashed cold water in his face, rubbing his eyes roughly and blinking a few times afterwards. He looked at himself in the mirror and realized he looked more miserable than he did last year on the first anniversary of his son’s death. December 18th, a horrid date that Gray would surely never forget for the rest of his life.

He managed to brush his teeth and throw something on. He was forcing himself to have some cereal when his phone went off. He took a look, saw Andy’s name, and rolled his eyes, shutting the phone down and leaving it on the counter by the unfinished cereal. He grabbed his keys and walked out to his car.

——

“Hey, kid.” Gray set a gentle hand on the grave, and sat down in front of it, smiling weakly. “I thought flowers were pretty stupid, um, so I got you some art stuff you might’ve liked.” He dug through a plastic bag and set out some watercolors and paint brushes. “I, uh, um...” Gray scoffed and shook his head.

“You’re dead, why am I even...” Gray let out a shaky breath. “Y’know, there isn’t a fucking afterlife, I’m talking to a damn rock.”

He glanced at the rock, read the name carved in it, and looked down. “Sorry,” he said, picking at the grass. “I guess I don’t know. I guess I can’t know. And for the record it’s a very nice rock. Very expensive.”

A gust of wind rustled the trees, and Gray pulled his jacket further over his chest. “A few things have changed since I last came here, big things. I’m trying to read books. I’m no natural, not much left in your old man’s head, but what else am I gonna do? Sure as hell couldn’t whip up a comic like you could,” he said, nodding. “And um, well I met someone. Xavier. I know I said I’d never get into another relationship, I’ve said it a billion times, but it was just— luck, I guess. Dumb luck. He has kids. You would’ve made great stepsiblings, I think. Nick’s art is really good for a six year old, I gotta say. Nick and Shelby. I tread carefully, I know they aren’t you. No one could ever be you. There will always be a missing piece that you kept with you in Maine. That’s where you were last alive, our last day.”

Gray wiped his eyes and said, “We should’ve buried you there. You loved it there, it was your home, and making you come down to fucking Georgia, in this stupid piece of crap city, was the worst decision I could’ve made.” He put a hand over his mouth and forced back a sob. “I didn’t want to be sentimental. I wanted to be— I just wanted to be an asshole because my son was shot dead and I wanted to pretend I didn’t give a flying fuck where we put you because all that was left of you was a corpse, but I do! I fucking care!”

“Our families told us to bring him here, we were just...” Gray looked up and saw Andy, who was also holding a plastic bag. “You’re not answerin’ your phone.”

“Did you expect me to?” Gray asked, watching as Andy sat down next to him.

“You can go on, I’m sorry,” Andy urged. Gray glanced from him to Cal’s grave.

“What’s done is done, I guess.” Gray stood up straighter. “Guess I’ll never be going back to Maine anyway, with Xavier and everything. He works at the CDC, he’s um, my boyfriend, if that’s alright with you. He’d love you with all his heart, I bet. He makes me happy, and he makes me want to... I don’t know, move forward, instead of stay stuck, or look back. That doesn’t make it easy, but, shouldn’t I try? Andy.”

“It’s a tough thing to move past, but I think it’ll be worth it when we do,” Andy said, tearing up. “No one has gone through exactly what we have, no one lost Cal like we did. We can get past this, though, you can. You just need to put in the effort, even if you need a little... push, it has to come from you.”

“It all seems so simple when you say it like that. Effort.” Gray scoffed and shook his head. “What did you bring?” he asked, and Andy pulled half of a subway sandwich out of the plastic bag. He held it out.

“Don’t torture yourself today.” Gray took the sandwich and unwrapped it. Andy sighed and said, “I’m serious. Don’t stay here all day alone, you need someone to be with.”

“I told Xavier not to talk to me today, if that’s what you’re implying,” Gray said, taking a hesitant bite. “I can deal with this on my own.”

Andy sighed again and scooted closer to the gravestone, not saying a word. Gray respected the silence and watched his ex husband sit there and stare for what seemed like forever. After a while, Andy smiled, and even laughed, though his damp eyes said otherwise. Gray narrowed his eyes. “Andy?”

“Good times,” Andy said, nodding. “Just rememberin’ the good times. Do you remember them? First day of school, first time ever— ever, ever holdin’ him?”

Gray opened his mouth to say of course he could, but every time he tried to look back all he could see in that moment was a poor, dying boy on the forest floor. “I— I can. Sometimes, on occasion, recently, I think the twins make some old good memories slip through, yeah.”

“But not now,” Andy finished, and Gray shook his head.

“How can you stare for this long at a grave and think of anything other than death?” Gray asked, holding his hand out towards it. “Look at it.”

“It’s just somethin’ you learn to do with time. You wanna move on, Gray, this is how I’ve been doin’ it.” Andy got up and put a hand on the grave. “I have to go.”

“You’re already leaving?” Gray breathed, and Andy nodded.

“It’s a shitty day to focus so much on, the day your son died, isn’t it? I’m goin’ to get some coffee, I just wanted to see how you were doin’, pay my respects, and head out. You should go too.”

“I can’t leave him yet,” Gray said. Andy put a firm hand on his shoulder before walking away. Gray wrapped up the sandwich. “I’ll start moving on another damn time.”

——

The setting sun cast a golden light on the grave, and Gray was watching it glow with sleepless eyes. The sandwich was gone, but a craving for dinner was starting to arise, despite everything. “Guess I should... head home,” Gray said, nodding. “Cemetery’ll close soon. I should go home.”

He couldn’t stop his jaw from quivering. “I...” He shook his head and let out a sob, his shoulders twitching upwards. “I can’t take this anymore, I, I, I—”

He put his hand on the grave. “I’m going now,” he said, and he stood up. “I love you, but I’m going now.”

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and started walking to his car.

——

Xavier was washing dishes when there was a knock on his door. He frowned and wiped his hands off. Nick and Shelby looked over from their puzzle, and they all wondered who, at this time—

He opened the door, and there was Gray. Xavier gasped and stepped aside to let him in. “Gray, I wasn’t expecting you—”

“Yes, I did have a son,” Gray whispered, and Xavier looked up at him with wide eyes. Gray shrugged helplessly, scoffing. He watched the gears turn behind Xavier’s eyes, trying to keep his breaths even. Xavier slowly raised his hand to his mouth, and Gray nodded. “Today is the day it... I...”

“Come in,” Xavier ordered, grabbing Gray’s hand and pulling him inside, shutting the door behind him. “Can you eat?”

“I don’t know,” Gray stuttered. “Xavier—”

“What do you need?” Xavier asked, face deathly pale. Gray took his hand and felt it shaking.

“You,” Gray said, shaking his head. “I can’t keep it up anymore, Xavier, I’m tired.”

Xavier let out an uneven breath and held his arms out, and Gray hugged him, sniffling. Xavier rubbed Gray’s back, and the kids ran over and gave him hugs too, though they hadn’t heard Gray’s confession.

“You can cry,” Xavier reassured, and Gray took his word for it. He cried, ugly and painful and vulnerable, despite every part of him that told him not to.

——

“We raised Cal in Maine,” Gray began, taking a sip of his water. His eyes still stung, but he’d calmed himself. “We went hunting a lot, but when we went with him we never expected to kill anything, just show him around the woods, get him to really appreciate it, understand the circle of life or whatever... so um, this day two years ago we wandered off our property and he ran ahead and another hunter, uh, thought he was an animal. It was an accident, and it’s why we came back to Georgia, why I don’t... do anything around the holiday season. He was six.”

“Jesus.” Xavier put a hand on Shelby’s head as she slept soundly beside him. They were all in bed, kids asleep and Gray and Xavier sitting up. Gray was picking at leftover pasta, with no real intention of eating much. “I had no idea, I’m so sorry.” Xavier eyed Nick, who was leaning against Gray. “Are you—”

Gray looked down at Nick and nodded. “I don’t mind the kids, you three have been a big help, actually. I’m sorry I made you feel stupid at my place that day. I should’ve briefed you, they were both there when it happened,” he said. Xavier shrugged it off.

“It’s quite a thing to tell. God... losing a child that way... I’m glad you came, I can’t stand the thought of you being alone,” Xavier said, and Gray set his plate aside.

“I just didn’t want to dump it all on you, November is usually when I start to get worse, like, when it’s harder to forget, easier to remember.”

“Do you talk to someone?” Xavier asked, and Gray glanced away. Xavier sighed. “Gray.”

“Don’t.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

Gray looked back at Xavier, who seemed worried. “Hey, Xavier, I don’t want you to be extra cautious, there’s no point in it, nothing will bring him back. I’m still normal, alright?” He kissed Xavier’s hand. “I refuse to be fucking porcelain or whatever, I can get through this.”

“I understand,” Xavier whispered. “I just can’t be... I mean, I can be there for you whenever you need me and I want you to be open about all this with me of course, but I’m not a therapist.”

“That’s alright with me,” Gray said, rubbing his eyes. “I should sleep.”

“Hell yeah you should, I’ll take your plate.” Xavier got out of bed and walked around to Gray’s side, picking up the plate. “Lay down, turn the light off, I’ll just be a second.” He gave Gray a kiss and left the room. Gray did as he was told, laying in the dark with Nick at his side. He was nearly asleep when Xavier came back, throwing an arm over Gray and pulling him closer. “I’ll keep bad dreams away. Rest now, you need it.”

“I will, don’t worry,” Gray reassured, patting Xavier’s arm. “Thanks.”

Xavier hummed at him. Gray cracked a smile and shut his eyes.

He slept.

——

“He’s still breathin’, he’s still breathin’,” Andy kept saying, feeling for Cal’s pulse.

“They’ll be too late,” Uni said, lowering his phone from his ear. “They’ll be too fuckin’ late.”

“Oh god I’m so fucking sorry,” the hunter stammered.

“Wait please god wait maybe he’ll make it, he’s a strong boy, he’s a strong boy,” Andy whispered.

Gray only stared at Cal, unconscious, soon to be dead. He was on his knees and frozen as his whole world fell down around him; the house in Maine, the hunting cabin, his son. His ears were ringing and his vision was fuzzing up. It would be revealed later that he had been in shock. He never forgave himself for not doing something, anything.

After a few moments of dreadful silence, Andy moved his finger away from the spot on Cal’s neck, face pale. “Oh god,” Uni said.

Gray turned his head to see Nick sitting next to him, looking up with those curious green eyes. Gray looked at him, and began to breathe quicker, the ringing going down and his vision clearing. He gripped his chest and began to shiver, eyes hot. “My—” he stuttered, looking from Nick to Cal. “My boy is dead!”

He took Cal in his arms and doubled over, holding him as close as possible and pressing their foreheads together. Nick leaned on him as he sobbed.

A seed of doubt in a sea of a stifling quicksand called grief: can’t change the past, what’s done is done, no takebacks, so why dwell on it so fucking much? List a thousand fucking reasons, how many are actually worth your goddamn time?

——

Gray woke up to an irritating ray of sunlight in his face. He rolled over, grunting, and nearly rolled onto Nick. He opened his eyes and sat up, frowning at the fuzzy memories of the night before. “Fuck,” he breathed, covering his mouth and glancing at Nick. “He’s asleep, okay. Fuck, why did I...”

He heard the muffled sound of Xavier’s voice, and stood up, following it out of the bedroom. He pressed his ear to the door of the office, hearing Xavier talking about something that seemed work related. He knocked softly, and after a moment the door opened. Shelby looked up at Gray, swaying from her heels to her toes. She let him inside, and he saw Xavier leaning back in his desk chair, talking on the phone with someone. Xavier looked back at Gray and smiled. Shelby snuck out.

“Do you guys still need me or can I go?” Xavier asked, and several faint voices responded over the phone. “You guys can handle it from there, promise. I’ll see you soon. Bye.” He hung up and set his phone down. “Hey.”

“What was that?” Gray hummed, leaning on the desk. Xavier scoffed and shook his head.

“Interns at the CDC, see, one of my colleagues,” he paused to roll his eyes, “gave them a job they didn’t know how to do and I’m the only one who’s nice to them, so they were asking my help.” He stood up. “Are you—”

“Fine,” Gray reassured. “I was sleep deprived last night, I wasn’t— I don’t usually do that.”

“Talk about your issues?” Xavier raised his eyebrows, and Gray sighed. “It’s fine, hey, stay as long as you like, it’s Saturday. Relax, eat something and take a shower, I have an outfit you left here. And don’t be embarrassed for seeking comfort.”

Gray grunted and let Xavier hug him. The pity stung, sure, but Gray didn’t feel like fighting, and Xavier was kind. “Thanks for having me,” Gray said, and Xavier patted him on the back.

“No problem. I already had breakfast but I’ll make you something,” Xavier offered, and Gray squinted at him.

“What time is it?”

“Eleven?”

“Christ.” Gray rubbed his eyes and grunted. “Sorry.”

“Don’t start with that,” Xavier ordered, pushing Gray towards the door. “Go take a shower, I’ll fix you some pancakes.”

“Fine! Fine,” Gray chuckled, feeling awfully loved.

——

“Do you wanna work on the puzzle with us?” Nick asked, holding Gray’s arm. Gray ate the last bite of his pancakes and nodded, letting Nick pull him in front of the coffee table, where there was an unfinished puzzle. Shelby was already there, and she glanced momentarily at them.

“I’m not a very big puzzle guy,” Gray admitted, but Nick took his wrists and moved his hands onto the table.

“It’s okay,” Nick insisted, letting go of Gray’s wrists and looking at the jumble of small puzzle pieces laid out before him. Gray crossed his legs and did the same. For a while, it was quiet, and Gray had managed to create a cluster of similar looking pieces. He was starting to connect them when he felt the stares of both children. He looked between them, and then back down to the puzzle.

“Did something bad happen yesterday?” Shelby asked, and Gray looked back up at her. Her eyes were wide with concerned curiosity. “Dad just told me you were having a bad day.”

Gray sighed. “I mean, yeah, I was,” he said, shrugging. “I was remembering things that happened a long time ago around this time of the year. Nothing bad happened, nothing new.”

“Is it about Cal,” Nick whispered, and Gray sighed, fitting two puzzle pieces together. “Is Cal... gone? Forever gone?”

It was beyond clear that Nick didn’t want to say the word he definitely knew. Cal had grasped the concept of death quickly, growing up with hunting. Learning about it came natural to him, as ironic as it was. It didn’t come as natural for Nick, whose lip quivered when Gray nodded to him.

“He was my boy,” Gray said. “My son.”

“He made you all sad ‘cause he died?” Shelby asked, and Xavier dropped a plate in the sink, looking over at the three of them. Nick whined at her, wiping his eyes.

Gray looked at Xavier’s face and winced. “I— I didn’t—”

“It’s fine, we’ve had at least part of the talk,” Xavier said, holding out a hand. He dried his hands and walked over, kneeling next to Gray. “Shelby, you should be more cautious, saying things like that.”

“Sorry,” Shelby mumbled, picking up a puzzle piece. Gray waved it off.

“They’re curious, it’s a kid thing, Xavier, I’m fine,” he reassured. “They put two and two together, is all. It was two years ago.”

“And Gray is still hurting, which is okay,” Xavier said, and Gray tilted his head back, groaning at him. “Gray you can’t pretend to them, they’re smart.”

Nick held out his arms. “Hug?” he asked, and Gray’s shoulders slumped in defeat. He reached an arm out, and Nick embraced him. Gray wrapped an arm around him and smiled. Shelby huffed at them, stood up, and walked to their side of the table. Gray looked at her as she sat down next to him and hugged him too. He put his other arm around her, and Xavier scoffed, leaning on Shelby and scratching Gray’s back.

“Thank you,” Gray breathed, holding his kids close.

——

“Gray, wait.” Xavier jogged across his yard and met Gray at his car. It was around lunchtime, and Gray was finally ready to head back home. “Wait, wait wait.”

“What’s up?” Gray held out his hand, and Xavier held it.

“Can I ask you a potentially very insensitive question?” Xavier asked, and Gray scoffed.

“Xavier, that doesn’t sound good,” Gray joked, leaning on his car. “But yes.”

Xavier opened his mouth, hesitated, then shook his head, as if figuring out how to word it. “Would you like to...” he paused again, “would...”

“Xavier,” Gray urged, squeezing Xavier’s hand. “Out with it.”

“Would you like to come to Christmas.” Xavier flinched and covered his mouth. Gray blinked, face blank. Xavier stuttered. “You don’t have to— see it’s just the kids and I this year because my family’s going overseas and frankly I don’t want to travel that far with the kids yet but— but you don’t have to come over I totally get that you wouldn’t want to come over—”

“Calm,” Gray said, gripping Xavier’s shoulders and looking him in the eyes. “Calm down. You’re not being insensitive, it’s a genuine question. A very loaded question. A question that I do not have the answer to.” Gray trailed off at the end, glancing back at the house. “Yet. Can I think it over?”

“Yeah!” Xavier let out a breath. “Yeah definitely, no pressure, um, well, I guess I need an answer by the 24th.”

“No pressure,” Gray sighed. “Kids ask?”

“No, but I can tell they want you over.” Xavier stepped closer, draping his arms over Gray’s shoulders. “Are you going to be okay, honest?”

“I’m going to be okay,” Gray said, giving Xavier a kiss. “Honest. I’ll let you know about Christmas soon.”

“Okay,” Xavier whispered, patting Gray’s cheek. “I’ll see you, maybe, then. Hang in there.”

“I will.” Gray sighed and smiled as Xavier gave him another kiss and a hug. “Alright, alright, I should get to my house, I left my phone there, Andy’s probably having a fucking stroke.”

Xavier nodded. “Bye Gray, call if you need anything.”

“Bye.”

——

Gray and Andy sat on Gray’s porch, drinking beer, even though it was cold. Uni was invited, but wouldn’t show; he didn’t like talking to the “sad saps” around this time. In other words, grief made him wildly uncomfortable.

“Are you going to Christmas with your family?” Gray asked, and Andy nodded.

“‘Course. I went last year too,” Andy said, taking a sip of his beer. Gray raised his eyebrows and let out a breath.

“You didn’t tell me that, I thought you stayed home,” he said.

“Having their support was nice, and I missed the little cousins, y’know. Why, you thinkin’ about goin’ to Christmas this year at your mom’s place? They’ll be expectin’ you,” Andy chuckled, and Gray shook his head.

“Not there, Andy,” Gray said. Andy frowned, thought for a moment, and then gasped.

“With Xavier’s family? You’re kiddin’!” he exclaimed, eyes wide open. “Would you, really?”

Gray grunted and shrugged. “I don’t know, he asked me yesterday, said it would just be us four. I told him I’d think about it.”

“It’s in four days, you better hurry,” Andy urged. “If you do go you have to get them gifts and you need time to think about what to get them see they have to be well thought out ‘cause you’re the boyfriend—”

“Andy.” Gray glared at Andy, who cleared his throat and nodded.

“I think you’ll have fun, but that’s just my two cents,” Andy said, shrugging. “You hardly ever take my advice.”

Gray looked down at his hands and said, “God, I have a lot of issues to sort through if I want to keep this up, don’t I?” He paused, and nodded. “I do. Okay, there we go, Andy, I fucking admitted it. What the fuck now.”

Andy scoffed. “Let’s watch the sunset and you give it some thought.”

“Asshole.” Gray leaned back and watched the sun until it fell behind the buildings. Then, like magic, something came to mind. He groaned and covered his face with his hands, defeated. “Oh, you huge fucking asshole.”

——

“How are you, dear?” Xavier asked, as Gray let him in and shut the door behind him. It was the next morning, and Gray had an uneasy feeling in his gut. “I saw your text this morning and dropped the kids off at my sister’s, you made it seem quite urgent.”

“I had a realization yesterday,” Gray said, walking behind the counter and getting Xavier a glass of water. “I need you to,” he cleared his throat, “help me. Y’know, talk with me. About this Christmas crap— not crap, but—”

“Yeah,” Xavier said. He flashed a smile, and Gray glanced away. “That’s good! Communication is good.” He spoke in a manner that made it clear that Gray had been previously struggling in this regard, and he supposed it was true.

Xavier leaned on the counter and looked at Gray expectantly. Gray only stared back, and after a while, Xavier sighed and said, “I want to know how you felt when I asked you the question.”

“How I felt.” Gray slid the water over to Xavier and took a moment to think. “I mean, I was worried about the idea of going to Christmas again. I had plans that year, okay? That trip— that trip to the cabin was for Christmas. It would just be us four, for a change, and then— Cal was shot. I don’t have good memories of this time, I spent it paying funeral bills and packing Cal’s things away and sending them off to someone unfortunate, but alive, per Andy’s orders. The funeral itself was so close to Christmas it was almost criminal. It’s not my favorite thing to think about.”

“I’m sorry I brought it up so soon,” Xavier said, and Gray shook his head.

It poured out. “But that’s the thing— I— I was also thinking of you, and Nick and Shelby, and how happy they would be on Christmas morning, especially if I got them the perfect gifts, and being with you, because I— I know you’re the type of person who would make us all wear sweaters and take pictures and— and I would stay the night and when I started to think of all those things, those happy things, or whatever, I realized if I went, maybe that would mean taking a step forward, not backward, for once.” Gray covered his mouth, and Xavier stood still for a moment, cheeks pink. Gray frowned. “Xavier?”

Xavier grinned. “Oh it’s— you’re just— oh my god, Gray,” he breathed, scoffing. “You— I can just tell you want to go, and it kind of sounds to me like you would have a good time, and I mean, if you do get sad you can always take a breather, or hell, go home even, but your mood just— lifted.”

Gray let out an awkward laugh. “I mean, also, it would feel nice to not confine myself to solitude and misery in this stupid house,” he admitted. “Forgive me for being hesitant.”

“The experience you went through around this time was awful, and I’m not surprised you’ve stuck the two together, it’s normal. But you seemed really happy just then. And you’re right, as far as I know it would be a step forward, but it’s really all up to you,” Xavier explained. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You three make me happy,” Gray said, and Xavier smiled warmly at him.

“I could help you shop for the twins.”

Gray smiled, and then scoffed, and then laughed, shoulders bouncing. Xavier giggled back, gazing at him with loving eyes. “I would love that,” Gray said.

“Then we better hurry,” Xavier urged, reaching a hand across the counter. Gray held it, and it was decided.

——

Gray glanced often at the presents in the passenger seat on his way to Xavier’s house on Christmas Eve. His wrapping was sloppy, so he opted for gift bags; less garbage, and reusable, right? Xavier had given the thumbs up on the gifts for Nick and Shelby, and Gray was fairly confident in Xavier’s gift. None of them were anything majorly special, but Gray considered them to be at least somewhat thoughtful.

“I’m gonna have a great time,” he assured himself, taking a deep breath and shaking the jitters away. “I’m not gonna retreat, I’m gonna face forward, and everything will be fine! It’s another day, really, just another day where I get to hang out with Xavier and Nick and Shelby and god there’s no reason for me to be so fucking nervous.”

He pulled into Xavier’s driveway and rested his head on the wheel. “Fuck,” he spat, unbuckling his seat belt. “On three, soldier. One two three—” He opened the car door and got out, cold December air stinging his face. He walked around to the passenger seat and grabbed the gifts. Xavier was at the door, wearing a sweater with a poorly sewn Christmas tree on it. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Xavier nodded to him. Gray locked his car and walked up to Xavier. “You came.”

“Sure did. A little uneasily, but I made my way over.” Gray kissed Xavier and walked inside, immediately taking a step back in shock. Gathered around Xavier’s fake Christmas tree was a huge mound of gifts, and Shelby was shaking them and putting them against her ear. Nick was whining at her to stop. “Holy—”

“Family,” Xavier sighed, looking at Gray. “They sent gifts over early. You got some.”

“Oh god,” Gray said, and Xavier waved him off.

“No worries, I’ll send them a thank you on your behalf, you don’t have to do a thing,” Xavier reassured. Gray walked over to the mound and set his gifts down. “Shelby, away from the gifts now, you’ll open them after dinner.”

Shelby huffed and did as she was told. She stood and looked up at Gray. “Where’s your sweater?” she asked, dusting hers off and showing it to him. Nick pointed to his as well. “If I have to wear one you should too.”

“You gotta,” Nick pressed, pouting at Gray.

When Gray turned around to face Xavier, said boyfriend was holding out a sweater to him, smiling. Gray scoffed and unzipped his jacket, trading it for the sweater. He put it on and held out his arms; it was red, and featured a sleigh and reindeer, as the story went. “I was right about the sweater thing,” he said, and Xavier snickered.

“You were.” Xavier gazed at him for a moment, before his eyes widened. “The ham.”

Gray grinned as Xavier ran back into the kitchen. “Don’t ruin Christmas dinner, hun,” Gray said, and Xavier glared back at him as he put oven mitts on.

“You were distracting me,” Xavier said. He took a ham off the counter and stuck it in the oven. “You just look nice.”

“I’m gonna leave,” Shelby said, walking hurriedly back to the presents. Gray nodded to Xavier.

“You look nice too,” Gray said, and Xavier smiled and waved him off.

Nick tugged at Gray’s sleeve. “Thanks for coming,” he whispered, and Gray knelt down and picked him up. “Careful!”

“I’m being careful, don’t worry,” Gray reassured, holding Nick securely, still shocked at how little he weighed. “I have you, I won’t drop you. And hey, of course I showed up, I gotta give you your gifts, steal some of your dinner, all that!”

Nick giggled and put a finger to the tip of Gray’s nose. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked, and Gray hummed.

“On my way there,” Gray said honestly, nodding to Nick. “I’m in a good mood.”

“Good.” Nick wrapped his arms around Gray’s neck and hugged him. “I love you.”

Gray’s eyes went wide. Shelby stopped shaking the presents. Xavier looked up from the vegetables he was cutting, setting the knife down slowly. “Gray,” he said, holding out a hand. Gray turned and looked at him, letting a few seconds go by without speaking. Gray knew the doubt in his eyes was beyond visible; there was an alarm inside his head, telling him _times up, it’s too fuckin’ real, go the fuck home before you cause a shitshow—_

“I love you too,” he said, sending the panic alarm to a grinding halt. Xavier let out a breath of relief, and Shelby watched Gray carefully. “You’re a good kid, you— you and Shelby both. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas to you too, dear,” Xavier said, going back to cutting vegetables. “We’re a little behind schedule, but—”

“I can help, I can do something,” Gray offered, and Xavier paused, raising an eyebrow at him. Gray sighed and nodded. “Point taken, I’m not a good cook, that was never my Christmas job.”

“What was?” Xavier asked, testing the waters and pushing the subject a bit. Gray knew he was doing so, but didn’t mind it.

“I kept all the family’s kids busy so they didn’t obsess over the presents too much and get impatient. First of my generation to have kids, y’know. Andy and I had the most experience,” Gray explained, glancing at Shelby. “Do you need me to—”

“They need to work on that goshdarn puzzle, get ‘em over there,” Xavier said. “They’re tricking me into doing it all for them.”

Shelby pouted, and Nick hid his face guiltily. Gray laughed and said, “Alright you two, let’s take a look.”

——

As the night went on, Gray relaxed considerably. Once Xavier stopped worrying about dinner, everything seemed to calm down. Nick and Shelby welcomed the puzzle as a distraction from the dreadful anticipation of gifts, and Xavier hummed Christmas songs. The rest of Gray’s world melted away for a little while, and though grief lingered, it did not consume him. He found himself distracted by the little joys of the night; Xavier mumbling under his breath as he cooked and Shelby taking an occasional break in order to circle the house’s interior and Nick glancing at him, still so overjoyed that Gray was there despite circumstances the kid couldn’t fully wrap his head around.

“Dinner’s ready,” Xavier finally said, sometime between five and six in the afternoon. Gray set the table and Xavier sat down, just barely letting himself slouch. He was visibly tired, and he thanked Gray quietly for the help instead of protesting. “Never made the whole dinner before,” he admitted, shrugging. “I’m usually on mashed potato duty.”

“So at least the mashed potatoes will be good,” Gray said, and Xavier scowled at him.

“Glad you’re feeling alright enough to be mean to me.” Xavier pulled the ham towards himself, feigning anger but smiling anyway. Gray snickered and propped his chin on his hands. “Elbows off the table, soldier.”

Shelby giggled as Gray moved his arms and leaned back in his chair. Nick was covering his mouth, smiling underneath.

Xavier clapped. “Let’s eat,” he said, regaining some energy and cutting the ham.

——

Gray was on his third plate when Shelby and Nick started opening presents. He was on the edge of the couch, and Xavier was leaning on him, a blanket gifted to him by a cousin draped over him. Gray had a pile of his own gifts by his feet; gift cards, mostly.

“Look look, dad, Gray, I got a scooter!” Shelby rolled the big box towards them, eyes wide. “We both got scooters!”

“Really? Oh my god, that’s so cool, once it gets warmer again you guys can use them, Gray and I will keep an eye out,” Xavier said, and Gray grinned.

“I wanna open Gray’s presents,” Nick said. Shelby nodded.

Xavier shrugged. “You two make the rules tonight.”

Gray leaned forward, putting his plate on the coffee table. Nick put Xavier’s gift in front of his feet, and Xavier took a quick look inside, glancing at Gray and smiling. “No way,” he whispered, and Gray nodded.

“Yes way. You were looking at it in the store—”

“GRAAY THANK YOU!” Nick stood on his tip toes and gave Gray a hug. “I got— dad he got—”

“DAD!” Shelby shoved the action figures in Xavier’s face. Her poor father flinched and moved her hands back a bit. “Dad we couldn’t find these ones anywhere!”

“I knew a place—” Gray turned back to Nick. “You like ‘em?”

Nick nodded, staring at the colored pencils and markers in awe. “They’re for really good art,” he said, and Gray nodded.

“I know all about what kind of stuff is the best for the art you make, you’re gonna love these. And as for the rare action figures there’s an obscure place down at—” Both kids gave Gray a tight hug, shaking from excitement.

“Thank you Gray!” Shelby shouted, right in his ear. He winced and hugged the kids back, one arm around each of them.

“Oh you guys,” he said, pulling them closer. He scoffed, catching himself tearing up. “You both deserve it, you know that?”

Xavier pulled the book out of the gift bag, flipping excitedly through the first few pages. “You’re amazing,” he said, looking at Gray, who shrugged. “You look happy.”

“I am happy,” Gray scoffed. “Asking me to join was a Christmas present in itself, I’d say.”

“Aww.” Xavier waved him off. “I got you a nice watch.”

“You did!” Gray showed off his wrist and rubbed his eyes. “But— really—”

“Are you gonna cry,” Nick whispered, and Gray shook his head.

“No I— I just missed this,” he said, holding out a hand. Xavier took it and rubbed it with his thumb. “This is what I always wanted out of Christmas, all I wanted. And I tried to get it two years ago, and it didn’t happen... but now I got it, y’know? Nothing big, not a huge deal, no family fighting, just— real. Real and just us.”

“I wouldn’t mind doing this again,” Xavier admitted. “Having it be just the four of us. Maybe my family only gets Christmas Day.”

“You’re thinking really far ahead,” Gray said, and Xavier glanced away. “Hey— I don’t mind. Maybe mine only gets Christmas Day too.”

Xavier squeezed Gray’s hand and let go. “Come on now, the kids want their presents, we can talk more later.”

Gray released the children, and they ran back to grab the next gifts.

——

“They’re down,” Xavier said, shutting the bedroom door and laying down. “I have to stay up for just a little while longer.”

“Why?” Gray asked, draping an arm over Xavier, who turned and gave him a look.

“Santa, Gray, I have a damn stockpile of presents hidden in my closet for my spoiled children,” Xavier mumbled, and Gray raised his eyebrows.

“Right, right. Sorry, god, I’m so off. Not in a bad way, just— l— never thought I’d be doing this again,” Gray scoffed. “I had a good day. On Christmas. It’s so surreal.”

“I’m glad you had a good day,” Xavier whispered, and Gray hummed. “A good memory.”

“Yeah. And, it’s bringing the old stuff back too, y’know? The good stuff.” Gray laid on his back and tucked his hands under his head. “Like, the way Cal’s eyes lit up when he got something he really liked, and like, you know how you just feel... so happy that you got just the right thing? I got your kids just the right thing, didn’t I?” Gray looked at Xavier expectantly, with wide eyes.

Xavier smiled and nodded. “You did. There’s a difference, between something they wanted for the sake of wanting it and something they wanted because it truly interests them for more than a week, and sometimes I feel like—”

“You’re the only one who really knows what they want,” Gray finished. Xavier chuckled. “I know that. They did look like they really wanted the scooters, though.”

“My parents know them pretty well too, most of the time,” Xavier said, shrugging. “Thanks for the tips, with the art supplies and the action figures. You know your stuff.”

“I’d like to think I was once a damn good father,” Gray admitted. Xavier shook his head.

“That’s not how it works,” Xavier said. Gray raised an eyebrow at him. “You never stopped being a damn good father, Gray.”

Gray let out a sigh and breathed, “Thank you.”

“You should tell me more. About Cal, if you’re up to it. Keep me awake because I’m damn tired,” Xavier said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “That dinner, jesus.”

Gray sat up as well, eyes bright with a desire to share that he didn’t think was ever there, waiting, needing to be fulfilled. “He was good at art. I promise you, I wasn’t looking through my dad glasses, he was so much better than other kids his age. Like Nick, y’know? I was amazed at the shit he could do, we had no clue how...”

Once he started talking, he couldn’t seem to stop, and the good memories came pouring out before he knew it. All the falls from trees and the scraped knees and the first days of school and his mannerisms and talents and ideas and the surrogate process itself and the joy of seeing him for the first time and so much more that he hadn’t actually remembered in what felt like forever, all because one devastating day had hovered over it all like a dark smoke.

It was midnight when Xavier finally put a hand on Gray’s shoulder and said, “Be Santa with me.”

Gray nodded. They got out of bed and switched off the lights, maneuvering unsteadily and silently through the dark until their eyes adjusted, getting gifts from Xavier’s closet and moving them underneath the Christmas tree. Xavier was right, there were a lot; _Santa was damn generous,_ Gray figured. _Xavier loves his kids._

“Cookies,” Xavier whispered, walking to the dining table and grabbing the cookies from the plate they’d left out. Gray smelled the milk, shook his head, and dumped it down the sink. He held out his hand, and Xavier handed a cookie over. They ate in silence, two and a half cookies each. They looked at each other, and Xavier snorted, covering his mouth. Gray cracked a smile, and they both stifled their laughter as they stood in the living room and ate fairly stale (but homemade!) cookies in the dark.

They made their way back to their room and shut the door. “Fuck, you made us eat the cookies,” Gray whispered, and Xavier nodded.

“Nick saw them in the trash last year and cried,” he said. Gray covered his mouth. “I don’t take chances anymore. I didn’t think they’d be so stale.”

“Let’s sleep, you need sleep,” Gray urged, leading Xavier to bed. “Jesus, Professor, stale cookies.”

Xavier snickered as he laid down and pulled the sheets over himself. “This is way more fun with a partner, Santa,” he said, holding his hand out. Gray grabbed it and squeezed.

“I got you. Let’s sleep, they’ll be waking us up early tomorrow.” Gray let go, and Xavier reached his arm across Gray’s chest, resting his head on Gray’s shoulder.

“I’m so glad I met you,” Xavier mumbled, eyes already shut. Gray smiled.

“Me too.”

Gray had never fallen asleep so quickly.

——

“Dad! It’s snowing!” Cal stood on his tip toes and peeked out the window. “Can I go outside?”

Gray put another log in the fireplace. “Sure, Cal,” he said.

“I won’t stray far,” Cal promised, and Gray nodded.

“I know you won’t, buddy. You can wander, but you’ll never go too far,” Gray said, watching Cal from the window. The child scooped up snow in his hand and threw it up into the air, laughing. “This is how I want to remember you, y’know. I’d rather this, than...”

For a moment, Cal stopped playing in the snow, and turned towards the window. Body cold, eyes blank, chest bloody. Gray shook his head. “There’s more to you than your final moments, y’know, the good times. Today was a good day.”

Cal smiled, and he was alive again, sticking out his tongue to catch snowflakes.

“I’m gonna miss you, kid,” Gray said. “I know I have a long way to go, but I’ll remember you like this as best I can. As best I...”

Gray opened his eyes, blinking and looking up at the ceiling fan. Xavier was still with him, sleeping deeply, and Gray heard Nick and Shelby’s hushed whispers coming from outside their door. He took a deep breath.

“I’m home,” he said, and he smiled. “I’m home.”


End file.
